Love & Dreams

One day at a time

2009-12-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

12-13-09

It has been a while since I have written on Anne's blog. She is so talented and creative that I hardly know where to start. I want to post some pictures and that will be determined if I have time to figure out which pictures and how to post them.

I feel like a bee in a hive going round and round each day. Life is busy and always so full with three little ones to love and care for alone. Our girls are very busy and full of life and excitement. It is frustrating at times when I need them to calm down and I have to be better with patience. I guess this will teach me to have more. I know there is no secret formula to this but practice. This constant busy flow is also such a good thing for me. It helps to keep me in a routine and not grieve too deep too long over the loss of Anne. Grief is real. I love my girls and feel a never ending desire and need to love and serve them. But I must say that it is very tiresome at times to do all the needed things in life. Such as; be mom, dad, house keeper, laundry doer, grocery and clothing shopper (I've never been one to shop and I guess christmas will break me in), work, run a business, organize finances, new puppy, and try to create for the girls like Anne did (to name a few).

It seems crazy that life just keeps moving on and is so full. Even among this busy life there is still time late at night to think about all that has and is happening over the past few months and years. I often think, wow, did that and did this really happen. Did we really experience these things and did I really go through loosing Anne. How did this all happen?

I was talking to a friend at church today and we talked about the feeling of loosing a companion and that sometimes you just zone out and feel like you have watched a crazy movie and are looking at things from the outside. It sure gives one a numb feeling.

One thing for sure is after you get into a routine, it is still all about taking one day at a time. Anne and I learned to take one day at a time with her cancer discovery and battle and this is how we found joy and happiness each day. Sometimes I just need to not worry so much about tomorrow and enjoy the today because, as I learned with Anne, no one knows how many more todays we will have.

Christmas is one of our favorite time's of the year. I need to just get through this season and try to love it for what it is and not to miss Anne too much. Because I do miss her.

Anne was such an amazing example for me of living life with joy, love and happiness among life's challenges. I know that life will have challenges and I am going to have challenges and that no one is without them. So for me I will go forward and continue to work hard and live and love each day with the blessing of being with my girls. Anne and my girls are such an example to me of happiness, joy, and light always.

The girls are all doing so good. I am amazed and many times jealous at how well they are doing. Of course they have their own moments of frustration or loss. There are still times at night during dreams that they ask for mommy. They are missing her more over the past week or so due to the christmas season. But I think that they are doing well. I attribute much of this to the fact that each day they are with someone who loves them and knows them even if I cannot be there for them due to work.

Each morning I get the girls up and get them dressed. Then I do 3 girls hair load them in the car and drop them off at my angel mothers house. She then feeds them breakfast takes the two older girls to school and my 3 year old stays the morning with grandma. At about noon my younger sister Katie, our nanny, takes them home and does a magical work with them until I get home about six. I also have a loving mother and father in-law that stays or takes them with them several times a month. Other than Anne I could not ask for more.

We always said Creagers are strong. I hope and pray I can always say we are Creager strong. We are very blessed and this house is and always will be filled with love and dreams. Anne is and always will be the woman of my and our dreams.

Ward

life without Anne

2009-09-22T22:29:00.002-06:00

9-22-09

Those of you have kept up with Anne and followed her blog, I want to thank you for being a part of Anne's life as this was a strength to her to have this outlet in her life.

What is life without Anne? It is empty and there is a void that I know will be present until we get to be together again. In my life experienced I know that time alway allows to mend and heal, but my this is going to take some time.

I was writing to Anne's friend Amber and I told her that sometimes I think Anne may walk into the room or enter the door from being gone. But I know that this will not happen in this lifetime. It saddens me and I am still adjusting with the thought of her being gone.

McCady is doing good and loves school. She is really good at learning and seems to have the learning bug. She has developed a love for reading thanks to mom. She loves to read and loves to read as a family. Anne read to the girls at night, and they and she loved to have this time together. We have continued this tradition and relish our evening moments together and time for our one on one, "I love you time" for the girls that again was started by Anne." Many times I ask McCady what her favorite thing was for the day and she always says right now wile I am giving her, "I love you's." How fun that we all look forward for this bedtime ritual. This time is so bonding and soothes our souls in the loss of Anne. I think that we are forging a new kind of bond and are each other's strengths during this time of loss and healing.

MaLeah is loving school and is blooming in her new school experience. Anne and I were worried that she would have trouble if we lost Anne as MaLeah is cautious to open up and break out of her shell. But we are being blessed and she is, as I said before, blooming and it is fun to watch the new sparkle in her eye as she relates something new from school or about life. We are going to get a puppy and a few weeks ago we went to pick our out. It still needs to grow a little more. On the way home MaLeah was all a grin and said many times, "Oh I can't believe how cut the puppy is, I just want to hold him." This will be a new experience for us to have a animal but it will be good for the girls.

Maiya is always her usual ball of fun. She is finding a new exitement in having time with grandma wile the others are at schoool. Then my sister Katie comes home from Weber State each day about noon and Maiya loves to be with Katie. Katie has been such a blessing to pick up the school assignments and be there for the girls as a constant until I get home at night. Katie is a wonderful nanny. Maiya does one thing every night that lets me know that she is missing mommy. She has to come in my bed each night after a few hours of sleep and crawl in bed with me. She is so cuddly and wants to make sure she rests her head on my shoulder. This is her way of trying to fill the void.

All in all we are doing fairly well considering our great loss. We all have our moments of tears and difficulty and again we have to wait out these moments and be patient and always a new moment comes with feelings of peace and comfort. Patience is something that I feel men as a whole are not very good at and I am far from good at this but slowly the girls are teaching me this and we are learning our routine.

We are being so blessed and I know that we are having divine help in many ways. What would we do without the knowledge of a loving heavenly Father? In our house we still laugh, cry, and all the other emotions as before, but I feel like sometimes I am relearning to do the things we did before and I am having to do them alone, without my partner, for the first time in a long time.

The first two weeks after loosing Anne I felt hollow or numb and other similar feelings that I felt when I first got home after my mission. These feelings are slowly fading and I am trying to recreate a normal for me.

The sure and steady basics of prayer, scripture study, family home evening and quality family time have been a source of comfort and strength to our family. We are a forever family and I want to be sure we are growing as I know Anne is and I want us to be worthy of being with her.

I and we all love Anne so much she is a pillar of wisdom, kindness and love for us in this home. She is tenderly missed.

Ward

An Elect Lady

2009-09-02T22:41:00.002-06:00

What does one write about the loss of a dear, cherished, loved, mother, wife, companion, and friend? I don't know. I know that I could never do her justice in the word I could write about her. But one thing for sure is I got the greatest privilege of calling her mine for these 13 short years of marriage. Anne elevated everyone around her and even me.
The past week and a half has been so intense, full of anguish, remorse, pain, disappointment and sorrow. Crazy enough, it has also been sprinkled with hope, faith, love, grace, peace, joy, and spiritual insight.
I was so anxious about loosing Anne when she went into the hospital and I did not want her to know this because I wanted her to be at peace. This was an emotional battle. We realized that Anne's time was counting down due to a brain tumor that was new. The Neurosurgeon believed that the tumor, about the size of a golf ball, was hemorrhaging and he feared she would not do well with surgery or after surgery. So we were in a waiting game. Time was counting down.
They guessed at best that Anne had at most a few weeks. As the week progressed the pain became worse and Anne was paralyzed on her right side and blind in her right eye. Anne had times that she was not coherent and times that she was quite with it. When she was alert she wanted to see all her immediate family and a few others. She was amazing how she would be quite alert as she got to say goodbye to everyone she loved close and dear. Then she would have mental difficulty and rest. This is just like Anne do it right, with grace, and the way she wanted to. I know that she was blessed to be able to part with us in such a way.
There is nothing one can do can prepare fully for the moment of release. Anne's pain was increasing through the week until she could no longer be awake due to the pain meds and she lost sight of the remainder of her vision.
I was selfish and feeling anxious because she was saying goodbye with the last bit of energy she had and I was starting to feel I would not get time with her in her waking moments. The last day that she was able to be alert she had already said goodbye to our families and it was as if she new of my anxiety and woke up for most of the day to be with me. She made me get up in bed with her. So we could hold each other in this anxious time. We laid there and laughed about the first day we met. . . We cried. . . I think that I did most of the crying. We talked most of the time about anything and everything. Anne and I had a bad habit of not going to sleep at nights and enjoyed talking. We loved to talk. So this day, once again, talking came so natural and it was wonderful.
Anne's pain level in her head and her chest was greatly increasing and they wanted to keep her comfortable. So they came and talked to her and told her that she would not be awake anymore in order to keep her out of pain. She OK with this and wanted this and said with calmness, "I am ready I know it is time for me to go." This was about 7 pm and I had apx 7 hours of sleep in 72 hours. We knew that time was close. Anne asked that I would stay with her. I told her that she could not keep me away. She fell asleep about one hour later. Anne is so strong she made it through a rocky night and I managed to dose for a little over one hour. When the time was minutes away she became very peaceful and everything stopped.
I know this is quite detailed and I am sorry for this. It is just the way it is all spilling out. I must say that this night was filled with much faith and prayer. For one to claim no need for a creator at this time would be a blatant lie to themselves and their creator.
I felt such a need to pray, specifically for me, to be worthy to be in her presence at the time of her passing. What a dependence we have and need on our Savior, Jesus Christ. He will strengthen us in our hour of need and will not leave us comfortless. She is an Elect Lady and an Angel. What a holy place and time this was for us.
I know that my Savior lives and loves me and my family and I could feel his love for me in this poignant moment. I know that he has a plan for us and that we will be a family forever. I know that this family forever-ness is possible and directly contingent to our obedience to Him and succumbing our will to the Lord. I am grateful I got to assist Anne to the next life and I know that I will see, hold, and kiss her again.
My Uncle Kim once said, "Anne, you are as beautiful inside as you are without. " She is beautiful and I have thought of this saying many times after.
Anne planned her entire funeral and in the hospital she said to me, "I don't want a sloppy funeral, get writing your talk right now." Of course I refused and wanted to make the most of our last moments. Instead wrote my talk 2 nights before the funeral in the middle of the night due to lack of time and inability to sleep. Anne's funeral was wonderful and we were blessed, and filled with the spirit of the holy Ghost, and Anne's beautiful presence.
Every thought of Anne is full of beauty and grace. This is interesting Anne would always say my name is so plain and I would always tell her how much I loved it. As I have said before Anne fits her name, for it means grace, or gracious.
I love this wonderful Elect Lady, Anne. She will be sorely missed and there is a big hole in our hearts at this time for her. I know things will be tough and really hard but I also know with time, patience and faith my girls and I will heal but always have a piece of her etched in our hearts until we get to embrace her again.

Your loveing husband,
Ward

Fund for Anne's children

2009-08-24T19:27:00.005-06:00

Dear Friends,
Ward wanted me to let all of you know how grateful he is for your friendships and interest in following Anne's blog. It has been a source of comfort to know that Anne was able to reach out and expand her circle of friends through all of you. Ward will be posting a few updates as soon as he can. Several people have expressed the desire to donate to a fund for Anne's children. If you wish to do so a fund has been set up in her name. The name of the account is:

Anne Creager Charitable Account Fund
America First Credit Union,
PO Box 9199,
Ogden, Utah 84409,

1-800-999-3961

Non monetary gifts or cards can be sent to
1690 No. Washington Blvd. Suite 1
North Ogden, UT 84404
If there are questions or concerns regarding this charitable fund please contact Diana Caffee at 301-803-0409

Anne

2009-08-23T18:13:00.003-06:00

Dear Friends,
We wanted to let everyone know that Anne passed away Saturday morning Aug 22nd. It has been a very hard week, but it has also been filled with great love and many miracles. The Spirit of the Holy Ghost has been with our family and has helped us to feel peace and comfort at this time. Anne will be missed so much, but we love her and know that her mission on this earth has been completed and we know that she has returned home to our Father in Heaven and our Savior Jesus Christ. We have been greatly touched by the outpouring of love you have all given in the last few days through comments on her blog. Anne touched so many lives because she was a true friend. If you would like to join with us in celebrating her life we would love to have you.

A viewing will be held August 26th, Wednesday night from 6-8 pm at the following location.

Eden 1st Ward
6450 East 1900 North
Eden, UT 84310

A viewing will also be held August 27th, Thursday morning from 9:30-10:30am at the same location followed by her funeral at 11:00am at the same location.

If you wish to send flowers please send them to:

Jenkins-Soffe
1007 W. South Jordan Parkway
South Jordan, UT 84095
( be sure not to send the flowers to the church)

please have the flowers delivered before 1:00pm on Wednesday or you can bring them personally Wednesday night.

Once again, thank you for all of your kind words about our sweet sister. We love her too, and this world will not be the same without her.

Dear Friends and Family

2009-08-19T08:01:00.003-06:00

We wanted to let you know that Anne is in the hospital and has taken a turn for the worse. She is not expected to live much longer. We ask at this time that no one tries to call or visit her. It's very important that she and her family have this little time left to be with each other and to have their privacy. Please pray for Anne that she will be at peace and feel of our Heavenly Father's great love as she passes from this life. Please also pray for Ward and for McCady, MaLeah, and Maiya that they will feel the presence of the comforter, and that they will all feel of the wonderful blessings that come from being an eternal family. We know that Anne has been a wonderful friend to many people and that she has been a couragous example of goodness and strength. We love her so much and we will miss her. Thank you for your love and support at this time. We know that you love her too.

August 15, 2009

2009-08-15T16:13:00.004-06:00

Our last two weeks have definitely been filled with ups and downs. To realize the magnitude of our situation and then get past that and start doing something about it has taken every ounce of strength, mental and physical.

If I could get my blood to cooperate I think things might be a little easier. I just can't seem to get my counts up and that just drains me. The only thing that seems to be helping now is transfusion. Last week I spent the night in the hospital with Ward, who thought we'd make a date of it. He went to get us Schezuan Chicken from Maple Gardens. We thought we'd watch a movie since I was going to be there for 7-8 hours. We didn't count on how the pre-medication knocks me out. After I fell asleep Ward dozed off in the recliner. So much for a fun date, huh?

Dr. Gray has been working with me to get on a drug replacement program for the drug Avastin. Avastin has shown great promise in other cancers and is approved already for many different types--but not melanoma. Things didn't look so good for me to be accepted to the program, but this week because of a very understanding drug rep and a huge blessing from Heavenly Father I started the Avastin on Wednesday. (And hallelujah brother-- the side effects are nothing compared to what I've been on!)

Most of our time over the last two weeks has been spent wading through a ton of Alternative Medicine options. I say wading because it is so overwhelming. There is so much out there and much of it is literally wacko. I firmly believe that the mind has great power to heal. I also believe that if you believe in something enough it can heal you. We have investigated everything from Gurus waving medicine sticks to much more normal things like vitamins and herbs for healing. I've read until my brain wants to explode. We've talked to some very nice people and I've been very grateful for all the help offered. I've learned how helpful it can be, and I've also seen how expensive it can become. So, this is what we've decided.

I believe in modern medicine. So I am still letting Dr. Gray be a huge part of what I am doing. I am on Avastin. I am back on my diet, but not as strict as before (still no sugar and lots of whole foods). I am focusing on three areas of herbal supplements: Glyconutrients, Immunoboosters (I want to vomit every time I drink this stuff, but I'm still doing it) and AHCC (which is a very researched supplement derived from mushrooms. It has been widely used with cancer patients in Japan for over 30 years. There is a ton of research showing how beneficial it is--I am on board here). I'm also doing some detoxification and reflexology and I am looking into acupressure and acupuncture.

Most of all we're just getting on our knees and doing what we know really works. This week because of a loving friend, I was in contact with two very professional men--one works with clinical research at MD Anderson, the other is a Hematologist Oncologist at City of Hope in LA. Both of them did everything they could to help me find all options at their facilities. They both felt like I'd had very good care up to this point and both of them said that Avastin was probably an excellent option for me at this time. But they both also understand the reality of what we're facing.

I may be healed by herbs or Avastin or something else I haven't found yet. I have no doubt that if it is Heavenly Father's will, I will be healed. But even if I'm not, I have to admit that I feel at peace. The last month has been fraught with panic and frantic anguish, but now I feel differently. I trust Him. I look forward to asking WHY all of this had to happen. I'm not going to ask it now, because I know that He can see the whole picture and I know that whatever His will is, things will be okay. My girls will be okay because they have Ward. I know that Ward will be okay because he has them. And we all have each other--FOREVER--and that's what really matters.
I hope you all have a great few days.

August 9, 2009

2009-08-09T21:57:00.001-06:00

If you know me you know that I love to read. But if you know me really well, you know that book groups never work for me. Why? I don’t read adult books, or inspirational books or educational books. I like to read kid and Young Adult books. So this week I jotted down some novels that have really stuck with me. Books that have made me think. Books that have made me better in some way. My sisters asked me to list an age next to the books, so they’ll know if their kids can read them. I did my best.

Books that made me think:

Mrs. Mike—Benedict and Nancy Freedman—I can honestly say this is one of the only books to EVER make me cry. (12)

I am the Cheese—Robert Cormier—I still have images in my mind from this man’s writing. I hated the Chocolate War. This was the best I’ve read of his. (15)

Slumming—Kristen Randle—Love all her books. But I especially liked this one (14)

The Only Alien on the Planet—Kristen Randle—This was the first YA novel I ever read and just fell in love with. (14)

Goose Girl—Shannon Hale—Probably the book I’ve read the most other than the Book of Mormon. I love it. (10)

Princess Academy—Shannon Hale—Oh I don’t know how anyone can not read all of Shannon Hales’ books. The scene where they chant the history of their village is the best of all. (12)

Book of a Thousand Days—Shannon Hale—Mongolia! This is set in Mongolia and I absolutely loved it. (12)

The Way He Lived—Emily Wing Smith—Emily is a new author and I can’t believe how real this book seemed to me. I was engrossed in it from the beginning. (15)

Out of the Dust—Karen Hesse—This book is all poetry. Hesse weaves an unmatched beautiful story. I read it in one night on the floor next to my bathroom. I think I cried in this one too. (12)

Esperanza Rising—Pam Munoz Ryan—Munoz Ryan has a way of putting me in Latin culture. Her stories always have light and a beautiful ending. (10)

The Giver—Lois Lowry—Okay I’ve read this more than Goose Girl, but less than the Book of Mormon. I taught this for many years and I think it is an awesome story. Everybody should have read it in Middle School. I still love it. (10)

Gathering Blue—Lois Lowry—a sequel to The Giver. (12)

The Devil’s Arithmetic—Jane Yolen—Oh I LOVE Jane Yolen. She is one of my favorite authors of all time. (12)

Ella Enchanted—Gail Carson Levine—So much fun. Too bad the movie had to mess it all up. I mean come on—Anne Hathaway doing disco? (10)

A Wrinkle In Time—Madeline L’Engle—My music teacher read this to me for the first time when I was in 5^th grade. I still love everything about it. (10)

Speak—Laurie Halse Anderson—Pretty gritty. Deals with rape. But it has such a good message and resolve. (15)

Enders Game—Orson Scott Card—Who couldn’t love a book about a video game that is really a war out in the universe? (14)

Stargirl—Jerry Spinelli—I love it. (12)

Holes—Louis Sachar—The movie totally did this book justice. I love both! (10)

Al Capone Does My Shirts—Gennifer Choldenko—I was surprised by this book. It’s middle grade and historical fiction. Did you know people actually lived on Alcatraz??? (10)

Becoming Naomi Leon—Pam Munoz Ryan—Again Munoz Ryan just has a way to suck me in and make me want to understand her world. (10)

Pure Enjoyment

I have to list the books that Ward loves. We’ve read all of these together and they are just so fun.

Fablehaven (1-4) (11)

Harry Potter (1-7) (11)

August 4, 2009

2009-08-04T10:32:00.011-06:00

First of all I want to thank everyone for your kind comments. I am so grateful for all of you!

Since I’ve had too many posts about my health lately, I thought I’d take a different direction for a few days.
Recently my friend Brodi Ashton (author of soon to be published—Echo—a YA Novel about an unwilling alien hunter in Blackfoot, ID) blogged about her Prom. What thoughts come to your mind when you think of PROM?
I don’t know where Morgan’s Junior Prom traditions originated, but they are something out of the South, or a movie, or maybe a galaxy far, far away. Regardless of where they came from they were as solid as the M on the mountain above the High School.
So why was Morgan Junior Prom so different from anything I’ve ever seen anywhere else?
1. The Opportunity. (I actually think this part is pretty cool.) Junior Prom is for Juniors, and as such, every girl in the Junior class is asked to the Prom. There was a committee set up to make sure that this happened. Sometimes girls refused the “charity date” but I don’t know any in my class who did. Paul Ordyna, one of my best friends in High School, asked me to the Junior Prom over the course of three weeks. I knew it was him from the beginning, but played the game because that’s what you do. When I answered him by burying a little plastic yes in a bottle of pickled pigs feet he immediately said, “I love those things!” opened the jar and scarffed them down until he found the yes.

2. The Transformation. After the dates were set, weeks of work began. We voted on a theme, chose decorations, and then the PE classes were forced outdoors so we could transform the gym into something akin to the Under the Sea Dance in Back to the Future. It wasn’t that bad, but seriously, I can’t believe how much money was spent to decorate the gym. Why the gym? I know other schools go to fancy places—like the Toyota Dealership (really!). My sister’s class tried to move her Prom off site and the administration went bonkers. Why? See #9.
3. The Rehearsal. Did you rehearse for your prom? We did, at least 5 times in the weeks leading up to the big day. I can still see Mrs. Morrison shaking her head and rolling her eyes at us. Why rehearse? See #9.
4. The Dress. Now I know you spent a lot of time picking that perfect dress out at David’s Bridal, but Morgan Junior Prom was different. Mothers all over the county dusted off their sewing machines to create the shimmeriest, closest to in-style, puffed sleeved gown you’ve ever seen. I am still amazed that my mom could pull it off, and I always thought it was a pretty cute dress, until two years ago, my niece took it out of the dress up box, put her hair in a side ponytail and had the coolest Halloween Costume EVER! (She was Deb from Napoleon Dynamite) My Dad thought this was hilarious! He had me pose like I got stood up. How nice is that?
5. The All Day, Wear You Out, Marathon. My young women fondly called this “the daytime activity”. I’ve decided not to leave my opinion about “daytime activities”, because that opinion makes me sound really old! I always had a great time with Paul. If you know him, you know that he had more energy than a nuclear power plant. We went to the 49th Street Galleria, and if it wasn’t loud and fast and bigger than life, it wasn’t Paul. We had a blast and I was grateful that I got to go with him.But, I came home so tired I just wanted to go to sleep. Instead I got ready.
6. The Hair. Come on it was early nineties! Big Hair was IN!

7. The Dinner. When we arrived at Mulboons I knew Paul was into this date big time. He waved his Dad’s credit card and said, “Get whatever you want. I am!” And we did—shrimp, steak, some fancy pina colada drink. Mulboons was definitely the fanciest restaurant I’d ever been to. And guess what, every other kid from Morgan High School was there with us.

8. The Dance. I thought the prom was about dancing. I was a little naïve because I’d never been to the Morgan Junior Prom before (unlike every other classmate of mine—as spectators). When we walked down the hall to the gym we passed a lineup of at least 500 adults (there were only 134 kids in my class). I wondered why they were all there, even though everybody had told me why. Sure we’d rehearsed, but it wasn’t until we got to the gym and saw the bleachers pulled out and filled with 500 more people with video cameras and flash bulbs that realization hit. Paul and I danced ONE DANCE, AND ONLY ONE DANCE before I learned what Morgan High School Junior Prom is all about—the Promenade.
9. The Promenade. I don’t think a whistle blew, but it felt like it. Suddenly Paul pulled away from me and dashed to his assigned spot on the opposite side of the gym. I scrambled to where I’d been told during rehearsal and stood in shrouds of shadows while two by two (except for the groups of three) my friends from Kindergarten walked down the red carpet into the blaring spotlight. I felt sick. I know we’d practiced, but I didn’t think there would be a thousand people in the stands watching us! Soon I was “on deck” and somebody shoved me from behind. I stumbled to the head of the red carpet where I linked arms with Paul and we walked down the red carpet to applause in the form of cowbells and megaphones. Theoretically I should have heard, “Way to go Anne!” Instead I heard “Way to go Amy!” Why? Because Amy was the girl on Paul’s other arm. You see, Amy had a boyfriend from Henefer, and since only Morgan High School students are allowed in the Promenade girls like Amy were farmed out to nice guys like Paul—not to mention uncomplaining girls like me! Sure it seems sweet, but looking back it seems a little Colorado Cityish. We walked into the spotlight while they read our names and flashes of light blinked around the crowd. I don’t know who was taking pictures, my parents certainly weren’t there. When the spotlight circled back to the next couple Paul pushed me toward my side of the gym where we waited until the Promenade was over and they cleared the bleachers for the big group picture. Yes this is my entire graduating class. And most of them went to Kindergarten with me too!
10. The Paparazzi. Paul was raised in a family with one sister and I think six brothers. When all the logistics were over and everybody was ditching the dance for their “after the dance party”, Paul and I tried to dance one more time, but three brothers circled us, the video camera two inches from my face. Soon Paul couldn’t handle it anymore. Me neither, there were old people dancing EVERYWHERE! Paul grabbed me by the hand and we were out of there.

That was really the end of the date because of an unfortunate argument I had with Paul’s friend. I still feel bad about that Paul & Elijah (if you ever read this), but now that I’m a mom and have seen my kids when they’re tired I think I would’ve done better if I’d had a nap.

So why the Prom? I don't know, I just thought it was a fun thing to blog about. So here's your challenge. Post about your Prom. What did you wear? What was it like? I want to read about it. Good luck!

July 24, 2009

2009-07-25T12:41:00.001-06:00

I could write about a lot of things this week. I could write about our excruciating battle with the stomach flu, and you might laugh about how after Gaye (Ward’s mom) came and watched the kids so I could go to the doctor, and cleaned up more than her share of sickness, McCady said, “Mom give her a check, she deserves it.”

I could write about Ward’s 35^th birthday, where we bought him a bike that was too tall for him. I mean, really, I might be bike-naive, but he’s not the shortest guy in the world!

I could write about my friend who offered to do anything for me, including finding me some marijuana, you know for medicinal purposes! (BTW She was completely joking!)

It would be really funny to write about how I ordered all my kids school clothes online—and then accidentally shipped them to my friend’s house in Ohio!

There’s a lot to write about, but what I’ve been avoiding the most is what I have to write about.

Disclaimer: It’s long and involved and if you don’t read it I won’t feel bad.

Since I arrived home from Colorado last Friday things have taken a sharp turn in a direction I never expected. I didn’t really feel comfortable about the two phase I trials they presented to me. So Saturday, Sunday and Monday I began a search of clinical trials across the country, just to see what my options are.

I’ve been holding out for the trial at UCLA—it is called a RAF inhibitor. Its purpose is to inhibit the growth of the melanoma cells from their beginning. If you were to see the growth of the cells they would grow

RAF-RAF-MEK to create the tumor.

The study had closed, but Dr. Gonzales said in a couple of months they would open it up in Colorado, UCLA and Harvard. I don’t have a couple of months to do nothing.

So Monday after lots of research, and running into huge roadblocks in my trial research, I talked to Maude. She is Dr. Gonzales’s right hand and she’s been the one guiding me through this whole process. Long story short, Dr. Gonzales found out that I was excluded from the RAF study because I have thyroid cancer along with the melanoma. She offered me a MEK inhibitor phase I trial. The problem with this is that I would basically be living in Denver for the first cycle of the treatment away from my kids and Ward. Plus the purpose of a phase I trial is to determine what the side effects are, as it has never been tested on humans. There are no foreseeable benefits for helping my disease. Additionally I spoke with the study coordinator who let me know that one lady had quit the study because she lost her vision.

I asked Maude to honestly tell me what we could do, now that I was excluded from the trial I’d wanted—what was my future? I’ve never seen Maude get emotional—never, but she broke into tears and said, “It’s just this damned disease, Anne. You’ve fought it hard for 18 months. If we had something for you, we would give it to you in a second.” She went on to say that I’ve exhausted all my options for approved clinical treatment, and now because of other factors I am excluded from the rest of the clinical trials.

Sure there were Phase I trials, but they are what they are, a trial to see how much a human can take of an experimental drug. They require huge amounts of time on site, and since there are none offered in Utah then I’d have to be away from my family. She told me that I have to decide what I’m going to do, if I’m going to spend my limited time here searching after trials across the US and out of the country, or if I’m going to spend that precious time with my family.

You’re probably saying to yourself, “That’s crazy, there’s got to be something.” I said the same thing, however in my search for trials I found that there are two main things that exclude me. Phase II trials for melanoma will A. not accept a patient who has two different types of malignancies. (And I have the blasted thyroid cancer too) B. Not accept patients who’ve had prior systemic treatment. (I’ve had plenty).

I’ve been angry and frantic and working my tail off amidst a week of terrible stomach flu to find something, anything, anyone who would take me for their trials. I’ve contacted the National Cancer Institute, and MD Anderson, and UCLA, and Harvard, and Huntsman Cancer Institute, and Las Vegas Cancer Institute and Johns Hopkins, and Goshen Medical Center. All have been helpful to different levels, but all have given me the same answer, “We’re so sorry for your situation.”

So, it’s been a week of reflection and prayer and tears, and begging for help. I can say that I got some relief on Wednesday when I went to see Dr. Gray. He understands me and my situation in a different way than any other doctor. He told me he would help me in any way he can. He’s going to try to help me get a drug called Avastin, which is not approved for Melanoma, but is being tested in trials I’m excluded for. He’s going to help me contact some drug companies to see if they can help me get some drugs that I just can’t get any other way. I’m grateful for him and his understanding and a glimmer of light.

So where am I now? I am literally sitting by a swimming pool (under an umbrella, shaking my head at all these sun-worshippers) in Park City with Ward and my girls—we ditched everything, including the stomach flu, and just got away. Where am I mentally? I don’t know. We’ve known from the beginning this is a terminal disease.

We know that we have been blessed beyond measure to have the time we’ve had this last year. We know more than anything that we are in God’s hands, and he knows much more about this that we do. How grateful I am to have a testimony of the atonement of Jesus Christ, that he knows how I feel, and that because of His sacrifice, and the promises I made in God’s holy temple that I will live again and that I will be with my family for eternity.

Whatever the next few months bring, I want you to know that I am grateful for you. For being my friends and my support.

July 17, 2009

2009-07-18T18:17:00.003-06:00

A Day in Denver

Thursday I went to Denver for scans and appointments. I am so happy that I asked my mother-in-law Gaye to come with me. We had a wonderful time talking about everything under the sun on our flight out. I’m not sure waiting for me during all the scans was that fun, but she didn’t complain.

Thursday night we had dinner with Bill & Karen Frey. Bill is the poster child for Melanoma. He’s been fighting it for 9 years and he has the most positive attitude of anyone I’ve ever met.

This morning Gaye and I took a driving tour of Denver. She said I made her love Denver (I did take her to the Spicy Pickle—and that’s something to love), but that was before our meeting with Dr. Gonzales. I don’t know if it was a holiday at the Melanoma Clinic, but there was nobody there but Dr. Gonzales. He kindly reviewed the scans with me and although I should be used to it, I hate seeing the growth.

I actually had a soft tissue tumor in my back reduce in size, and the lymph nodes around my heart have remained stable, but the big stupid tumor in my lung grew 4 cm and it looks like it’s a huge mass connecting to my liver. Several spots in my liver are much bigger. So, I’m off the carbotaxill chemo and moving on. I think I wouldn’t be so grouchy about it if I hadn’t just lost all my hair for nothing. Ward says I didn’t lose it for nothing, maybe it slowed the growth—imagine how big it could’ve grown!

So, even though I qualify for the study at UCLA (unless they exclude me because of the thyroid cancer--we're still waiting on that), it has closed. They are opening it back up in three places, Denver, UCLA and Harvard. That’s great, but it won’t open for a couple of months. So I’m going to do another phase one study drug. Monday I will get more details and Wednesday I’ll be back in Denver.

I don’t know how somebody could deal with this without faith. I think that’s what keeps me going. I had three things happen this week (ironically all in restaurants!) that really made a difference to me.

While Gaye and I were at the Spicy Pickle a man about 40 approached me and said, “Good luck with your recovery.” I thanked him and he mentioned that his wife was in the rehab center because she had a sever brain abnormality. We talked for a couple of minutes, his softness and his care about me, a total stranger, showed me that there are plenty of people out there with things harder than I’m dealing with. I appreciated his courage to speak to me.

Second, Thursday night a lady approached me at Ruby Tuesdays. She said, “How are you doing with your treatment?” I told her I’d find out on Friday. She asked me my name and then said, “I will pray for you tonight.”

Today Ward and I had some important things to do in town (like get a new phone since I left mine in the rental car in Colorado and they don’t want to walk out and check the car). The girls were being so good, so we decided to take them to lunch. We chose Texas Roadhouse because my counts were up and I haven’t had bread in 8 weeks—I wanted one of their rolls. We ordered and ate and had a really good lunch. When the waitress approached to give us our bill she said, “An anonymous person has already paid for your meal. They said it’s their good deed for the day.” I was embarrassed because sometimes I feel like it’s so evident that we’re dealing with stuff, but so grateful that someone would think outside themselves and see another family trying to make things seem normal when they aren’t.

There are so many good things and good people in this world. There’s so much to be grateful for and so many opportunities to step outside ourselves to lift somebody else. I’m grateful for friends and strangers and a loving Father in Heaven who has let me experience these acts of goodness. It makes everything okay . . . and worth it.

July 15, 2009

2009-07-18T18:15:00.002-06:00

After last week’s terrible bout with low blood counts, shots and transfusions I was ready for a good week. I’m really grateful for good friends stopping by, a new friend inviting us for a play date (even when her own kids were hiking a mountain with their grandma—she invited another friend over to meet me and my kids—very nice.) It just seems like when I feel better my outlook on life is better.

I had to laugh at McCady, who asked me for a hammer and nails on Monday. “What for?” I asked. “I’m building a 4-wheeler,” she innocently replied. I went outside and sure enough she had all the ingredients to build a 4-wheeler: a piano dolly, some sticks, a yoga ball and some sidewalk chalk. When I told her Dad would freak if she put nails in his piano dolly she calmly asked for some glue or tape.

MaLeah has mastered her two wheel this week. No matter how many times Ward and I have shown her how to start, she just doesn’t think we know what we’re talking about. Instead of doing it our way she figured out a way of her own. She skates her feet along until her bike wobbles from side to side in a crazy freefall, then right at the last second she lifts both feet off the ground and somehow works herself into a stable ride. Stopping on the other hand hasn’t been so smooth. She thought that jumping off the bike at full speed was the key, then she tried using her dad’s truck as brakes. It’s a good thing our old green friend (and Ward) doesn’t mind another dent in its side.

Maiya has decided that she is a rooster, up with the sun. She climbs into our bed around 5:30 and though Ward tells her to go back to bed she usually climbs in next to him, pushes her feet in his back and tells him to scoot over. He forgets our rule about no kids in the bed and tries to catch a few more minutes of sleep. When he gets up and goes to work she cuddles up next to me and tells me to read my scriptures out loud. It’s really cute.

Wednesday was a perfect day. My friend Charlotte watched the girls while I went to my writing group. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to go. After a fun lunch with Charlotte the girls and I went to see Ward at his office on my way to the doctor. Since I haven’t driven for two weeks this felt like utter freedom.

I know seeing people you know at the doctor’s office isn’t always the best thing, especially when it’s an oncology office, but Richard McConkie, my good friend’s dad was the first person I saw. I can’t help but smile to see this wonderful man who once came to my rescue when I thought my car had broken down. He kindly showed me how to fill it up with gas and didn’t call me a dumb college girl at all. Then I noticed my wonderful friend Dulcie Carlile, whom I worked with 12 years ago in the WSU payroll office. I wanted to cry with joy that I’d seen her after all these years and cry again because we were meeting up in Dr. Gray’s office. Finally a big burly man, Warren, who I’d sat by during my last infusion (not Frank) stopped me and asked how I was doing. I wanted to hug the guy. It’s good I gained one friend out of that day.

I was feeling so well, that on my way home I decided to stop and get my drivers license renewed. My friend Kelli had told me it was a breeze and she was right. The high point? They didn’t make me take a new picture with a bald head. Even higher? My weight’s down because of my crazy diet, so for four years I’m legally that weight—ha!

July 5, 2009

2009-07-05T13:57:00.000-06:00

What I am grateful for on the 4^th of July!

· My life and the option to fight this cancer.

· This week has been pretty rocky health wise, but I made it through and even got to see my girls ride their bikes in the Eden 4^th of July parade! I was forced to do it from the truck because my counts were so low, but still, I was there to see them.

· My husband and the way he works so hard to make our life run smoothly.

· My girls and the freedom I have to give them education, religion, and happiness.

· My extended family. The support and love and fun they give me. And the freedom we have to be together.

· The men and women who leave their families and sacrifice so much to be a part of our armed forces.

· Inspired government leaders who are trying to do what is right for our country.

· My freedom to live, love, learn, worship, speak, write, vote , and remember.

July 3, 2009

2009-07-05T13:22:00.000-06:00

This Monday was of course my chemo day. I had had enough fun with my family and so I left for Dr. Gray’s office at 8:00 am. I really like Dr. Gray, have I mentioned that? He may not have any other Melanoma patients, but he is the right doctor for me in Utah. The doctors in Colorado are wonderful and I like them, but Dr. Gray just seems like he understands the whole of my situation.

So, he was really concerned about infusing me that day because my blood was so low in all areas. But I’d delayed for the trip and so he said, we’d go ahead. Just to give an example. He said my red blood cells should be 140 to begin, but I was at 59. I can’t remember the other numbers, but they were all similar. So it was kind of me pushing it and him saying okay, that finally I went to the infusion center.

The infusion center is different than any treatment I’ve had in Colorado. I’ve always been admitted to a hospital for a week at a time and monitored 24x7. This is different because although my infusion is 6-8 hours I am in a recliner next to lots of other people with different types of cancer and treatment. I was the second one in the center and the second to last one out for the day. I think it’s neat to have other people who are dealing with different things and to hear about their success and to just talk to someone who’s dealing with so much and finding good in their situation.

So, I sat down and soon a man sat next to me. He and his wife were extremely nice. He is finishing up his 8^th round of chemo after his colon cancer was completely removed The nurse came over to me, and started my premeds and though I would love to have talked to this couple I was completely knocked out! That’s pretty good considering I have to be there all day, but two hours later I woke up from my drug induced stupor and a new gentleman was sitting to my left.

I kind of got my bearings and said, “Hello, I’m Anne.” He turned to me, his face ashen, with a look like, “Did I say anything to you?” He ended up saying, “The name’s Frank (I’m changing his name).” He turned forward, staring at the wall with all he had in him and scowled.

I turned back to my friend on the right and his wife, he was leaving—happy, I might add. They wished me luck and told me they’d keep me in their thoughts. My nearest neighbor was Frank and I wasn’t sure he really wanted to talk so I pulled out my computer and started working on some things.

The nurse came by to get Frank started. He was a new patient, and had just begun chemo that day. He also had colon cancer, they had removed part of his colon, had gotten it all, and now he was beginning his 10 weeks of chemo to make sure nothing will come back. He had a very long conversation with his wife and with some other girl who I think is probably a patient advocate and the nurse. Being in such close proximity I was hearing every single detail of his situation.

I tried to ask him about what he did for a living. “Mechanic.” He said, then looked straight forward and I didn’t ask him anymore questions. He called his wife and told her to go buy a thermometer (I was temped to suggest a good brand—BUT I DIDN’T) and a bunch of face masks so somebody wouldn’t KILL him.

At one point after the nurse was finished talking to him, she said, “You really need to bring some food with you while you are here, since you’ll be here four hours.” I would have suggested a book or magazine to read too, since he was just staring at the wall in front of him. I turned to him, trying to be nice and asked, “Would you like one of my apples?” “No,” was his answer. I thought that was fine until four minutes later he called his wife and said, “I need you to bring me some food. Bring a couple of apples.” “Wow,” I thought.

I just let Frank alone, because I was sure that this was his way of dealing with everything. The nurses were taking extra care with him because it was his first time. He was nice to his nurse because she was admittedly pretty hot. Anyway after a little while, with it being just the two of us sitting on that side of the room, I forgot it wasn’t really wise to talk to him. I’d been there 6 ½ hours and I was a little bored. I was finished with my project on my computer, so after the nurse talked to him about some things, I asked, “How are you doing?” He scuzzed me off and said, “Well, I don’t have anything else to compare it to.” Then he turned forward and seemed to want to end the conversation. I wasn’t ready to end it. I can understand that he could be angry. Anger and bitterness are understandable emotions when you’re dealing with something as huge and scary as cancer, but come on, we’re all in crappy situations here. So I said, “It can be really overwhelming at first.” He turned to me and said, really mean, “That’s an understatement. You wouldn’t even understand.”

I’m sure my eyes were as big as baseballs. I wouldn’t understand??? Who was this jerk anyway? What did he know about anything? Seriously, did he just say that to the bald girl next to him who has been here much longer than him that day? What did HE know about me? I looked around at all the other NICE people in the room. The other bald ones who had pretty serious situations—the ones with hair who had never resorted to bitterness and meanness. So you have cancer. Get over yourself! I wanted to shout. So they did surgery to remove a tumor the size of a dime! So your life is upside down. You should open your ears and eyes and realize there are twenty other people in this infusion center with lots worse situations than you!

I didn’t say it. I decided this guy was not worth my time. I opened my computer back up, chomped on my apple and buried myself in another project.

About an hour and a half later my nurse came over to give me my last meds and unhook me. The infusion room was absolutely empty except for old Frank or whatever I named him and another old lady across the room. My nurse lives in Ogden Valley and we’d talked a little, so she started to ask about how they found my Melanoma. I tod her my story, fully aware that Frank was listening in all his bitterness. I told her everything. Then she asked about out my kids. I didn’t shy back because Frank was all ears. I just told her my whole situation. She was clearly affected, but so nice. I told her that we’d just had a wonderful trip, and then my Mom came to pick me up and I was ready to go.

I got my final shot and packed everything up. As I turned to go I turned to Frank and said, “Good luck with everything Frank.” He looked different. I hadn’t looked at him for at least two hours. “Yeah, uh . . .” he said. “Yeah.” I turned and left with Mom.

I’ve thought about this so much over this week. I think maybe Frank will be different next week when he’s in the infusion center. I hope he will. You know there’s a lot that cancer can do to a person. It can kill me. The treatment can make me sick and bald and weak. But there is no way I am going to let it make me bitter. There’s too much good that’s coming from it. Sure, I want things to be different. I want to know my future. I want to be able to plan with my husband and look forward to watching my girls grow and change. But I’m lucky and blessed and fortunate and all those things because I have no bitterness. I can’t imagine how it would kill me quicker and more painfully if I did.

I sincerely wish Frank luck. I also wish him open eyes and the ability to search out his own peace in his situation.

June 30, 2009

2009-07-01T17:23:00.012-06:00

What are the ingredients for a perfect trip?

One wish on a bucket list.

One stellar itinerary: 2 days Lake Tahoe (for Ward's Conference), 2 days in the Redwoods, 2 days on the Oregon Coast, 1 day home.

Three good little girls, 2 DVD Screens--lots and lots of Barbie Princess Movies

Three special bags with one treat each hour for 35 hours of driving! (Thanks for the idea Charlotte, it was a hit!)

One friend and her 2 cute little girls, coming from Sacramento to play at the pool and the beach while Ward was in his conference.

Three beautiful girls on Lake Tahoe's Beach

A nice stranger to take our family picture

All the girls together

One bottle of bubbles in the sand

Finally The Redwoods!

One drive through tree, and I have to admit it, one of the two melt downs we had on the trip. MaLeah did not want to see the trees that night!

One insightful husband who put his foot down and said, "We are not camping on this trip!" So we ditched my plans to sleep among the Redwoods in the KOA and booked two nights at the Quality Inn. After the girl at the Pizza Hut gave me and my unique balding some strange looks Ward went to Walgreens, bought some clippersand we shaved my head in the comfort of our private bathroom. It was good to stop shedding and I could enjoy the rest of the trip. even though people treated me a little different when they saw me--either like a biker or a cancer patient. I prefer the biker.

A nice lady, actually a stranger, showing the girls how to feed wild animals. There is a lighthouse in the background. This is the beach ridge of Crescent City.

Time among the giants . . .

. . . to realize how small we really are.

And enough room to goof off!

Add a little tree huggin'!
Then back to the beach.

To find some strong wind, and an even stronger Daddy.

And more lighthouses.

One random Nemo cow at the whale watching center--where we seriously saw whales! And one little crazy Maiya who posed like this in 95% of all the pictures taken of her.

To many spectacular views to count . . .

And hours searching through rocks and tide pools.

One unmatched view from our hotel window. Seriously, can you believe how Hotels.com came through? The kid manning the Shilo Inn desk couldn't. He said it's amazing we got this room from hotels.com

A couple more hours of sandcastles.

Sweet, little beach beauties . . .

One last stop on the last day of our trip, Ward sent me to get breakfast and he and McCady and MaLeah found the best color of the trip.

Counting up all the sea lions, seals, birds, elk, starfish, crabs, whales and other people from with Utah license plates we'd seen. (Come on, doesn't anybody else drive to the coast?)

In all, for us, this trip blew everything else out of the water. Ward thought it was being together. I agreed, but I have to add that the sheer volume of time away from everything in such beautiful places makes it what it was. I feel so blessed.

June 18, 2009

2009-06-18T11:37:00.004-06:00

We are still here, even though I've been quiet on the blogging side of things.
Our week has been filled with:
A visit from the tooth fairy--McCady
Rides on her two-wheel without training wheels!--MaLeah
A visit to the doctor where he said, "You're right. She has a high fever and she's grouchy."--Maiya
Thinning Hair-Me
Working and cutting up trees (So we can clear the path for the lane to our property)--Ward

We're doing pretty well. The treatments have shown their side effects. When I tried to brush my hair this morning this is what I saw:I stopped brushing.
Yesterday over a similar scene MaLeah said, "Daddy said not to put hair in the sink!" People have said, "It's probably easier the second time around." I'd like to see their expression in the mirror after they pull out a few clumps.
Okay so the bright side of things. I don't know if this is true in all cases, but did you know that I have one good side effect from the chemo. I can sit outside in a cloud of mosquitos and not get bit!!! I guess they don't like the smell of the chemo running through my blood. I've got to count the positives, what else is there to do?
On the really bright side of things--We're out of here! We are leaving on a road trip in about a half and hour. We are going to Lake Tahoe, the Redwoods and up the Oregon Coast. Just think, now I won't have to clean up all this hair all over these beautiful hardwood floors. Instead I'll leave it in Nevada, California, and Oregon. This is one of the things on my LIST. I'm so grateful Ward and his wonderful staff made work flow smoothly so it can happen.
I hope you have a WONDERFUL week!

June 8, 2009

2009-06-08T16:10:00.005-06:00

I promised to send pictures of our new place. I'm not sure the pictures can do it justice. Even though the chemo treatment has kind of taken over the fun this week, it's still nice to wake up with the windows open--birds chirping etc. We feel like we're camping, just waking up in a comfortable bed with nice bathrooms, a leather sofa and a flat screen TV. I managed to get high speed Internet, the sink to drain (really Ward did it), the garage door to work (Ward again), and my kids to put their bikes away when the rain starts pouring(Okay Ward again, but some of me). We have no TV service yet, but do you know how much DirecTV is for a two year contract?!? I'm not sure we're signing up--videos, streaming KSL and PBS kids online are working out pretty well so far. So do you want to come???

Go ahead. Drive up the nice country lane (or is it down, can't remember). It's seriously about 10 times longer than this

Take a look to your left . . . isn't she cute? My brother-in-law Alan said this spot was more beautiful than any scene he saw in all his travels across Germany last week. I wish it wasn't so overcast, so you could see the colors.
Then the farm house is on the right . . .
The view from the front porch isn't that bad, can you see now why we feel like we're camping?
I'd love to introduce you to our nearest neighbors . . .
These kids who are TERRIFIED of little cats, and docile dogs have no problem with Rhino, Smartie, or Concern.
Literally sixty steps (okay long steps) from our front porch you get to see the best view in Ogden Valley, reserved entirely for the Creager's cows, and us.
We feel so lucky to be here. My pictures can't show you how beautiful it is. Don't you want to come visit??

I am doing pretty well. The Chemo took a couple of days to kick in. When it did, it really kicked. I was not well for a few days. I know I shouldn't have, but I went to church. I barely made it through, and somebody hugged me. Yikes! No hugs or shaking hands, I know Mary. Even though I know nobody would care or miss me if I wasn't there, that's the point! I want to meet new people and not be viewed as the sick lady who lives down the lane.

We are doing well. Hope you have a good week!

May 31, 2009

2009-05-31T19:35:00.002-06:00

I just want to give a snapshot of this week, so you won't be too upset that I didn't share the news I got in Colorado this week sooner.

Monday: Drive to Colorado with my parents, 8 hours 27 minutes, we thought we made great time.
Tuesday: Scans at the hospital, dinner with my friend Bill Frey (Bill has been fighting Melanoma for 14 years. He is a great inspiration to me. Dinner was the best part of the trip, but we missed you Karen).
Wednesday: Appointments with Doctors, drive home. I drove the entire way. We reached Morgan in 7 hours 20 min. Got to North Ogden about midnight. We made GREAT time!
Thursday: Went to McCady's class to take some class pictures. Went home to meet eight WONDERFUL neighbors and friends who helped me pack up the house. Packed all day and moved loads up that night.
Friday: Last day of school! HURRAY! Ward and I moved more loads up with Joyce and my brother Denis and his boys.
Saturday: about 35 men, neighbors, friends, and family came to load everything in Marsha and Greg's trailer. Drove to Eden where many new neighbors, friends and family came to help move in and unpack everything.

I feel so thankful for all the people who helped us move yesterday. The amazing people who came to help just made me realize how I am surrounded by good. Friends from the North Ogden 7th Ward (I can't hold back the tears when I say how much we will miss you!) and the Eden 1st ward, and family. Thank you! Thank you! I love you. I am so grateful for you.

Results
I've been thinking a lot about the results from my visit in Colorado. How do I sum it up??? Well my friend Emily sang me this little song and I think it applies:

Same song, second verse,
A little bit louder and a little bit worse!

I had mixed results this time. I actually had one tumor decrease in size. (YAY! It's progress) It was the one around my heart. It was 3.9 cm x 5.1 cm--it went to 2.9 cm x 5.1 cm. However the other tumors all grew considerably (Crappy huh, but what do you do?). The largest in my lung went from 3 cm to 7 cm. My liver is pretty much covered with little lesions, and one in my back went from 3 mm to 27 mm. I have others, but that's enough with the details.

I wish the chemo I'd been taking had shrunk more of the tumors, but treatment works differently on every patient. I will begin a new chemo regimen on Wednesday. It's more intense and aggressive, but Dr. Gonzales arranged for Dr. Gray to administer it here in Utah--thank goodness! They are testing my melanoma to see if it has a certain mutation that would qualify me for a promising study at UCLA. I'm not sure of all the details of this study, but its an option. I've also found two people who did different treatments with Stage IV Melanoma that I'm investigating. I'm keeping my options open.

So, I'm doing fine. Still walking and running, upping my time when I can. I'm grateful Ward pushed me to move on the 30th. I wanted to wait until our house closed, but now I can see how inspired he was. Now we'll be all moved in and I won't be moving while dealing with the side effects of this new treatment. Our house is under contract and we feel like that is a HUGE blessing. That way we'll be able to have it sold by mid-June.

I'm so grateful for my life. For Ward and my girls. I look at them and I can't believe how blessed I am. I want more than anything to be here with them. It's fun to be in Eden. This morning when we woke up MaLeah said, "It smells like camping!" She was right we had the windows open and it smelled like pine trees and fresh air (Not even a whiff of cows!). We live in the most beautiful place I've ever seen. I'll post pictures when we get Internet at the house. If you feel like smelling cows and camping, and visiting the most beautiful place ever, go ahead and come visit us. We'd love to have you.

May 25, 2009

2009-05-25T21:17:00.006-06:00

A CHERISHED TRADITION

Gathering with family . . .

Stories from the past . . .Remembering the sacrifice . . .
Learning where our names came from . . . (MaLeah Eliza Creager named after Leah Eliza Phillips Creager)
Returning to our roots . . .

Knowing we are connected to those who have passed on,

and grateful for our heritage.

May 19, 2009

2009-05-19T10:59:00.003-06:00

It all started with KICKBALL!

Last week for Young Men and Young Womens on Wednesday night(I teach the 16-18 year old girls at my church and every week we have an activity for all youth 12-18 to participate in) we played kickball. I wasn't sure I could actually play, but I really wanted to. I love kickball. When they were counting off one-two-one-two I decided I didn't want these kids remembering me as someone who always sat on the sidelines. I felt pretty good. It was afterall my last night of chemo--so why not? We played three innings where everybody got one chance to kick. The other team scored with almost every person up to kick. My team on the other hand could've used a few practice sessions. It didn't matter though. I played. I kicked. I pitched. And I made it through. I didn't think I would a few times, but rounding the bases and even knocking sweet Emily Oborn off Home Plate so I could score (twice--I love you Emily!) was awesome!

After that night I decided--I'm sick of sickness. I was so sore from kickball, but I got on my treadmill anyway and walked. Then this morning it happened.

I had walked twenty minutes and I decided I wanted to run. I turned up the speed and I RAN. TEN MINUTES. I wish it were ten miles, but ten minutes is a start! It felt so good. It's been so long, but I just couldn't read about all those runners in the Ogden Marathon anymore--and not be a part. So I began my own marathon. Ten minutes today. Who knows what it will be tomorrow.

I feel great, tired, but great. Sure I have the pain in my chest and the new growth on the side of my jaw. But I'm tired of worrying about it. There are things I'm going to do. I'm not going to broadcast them yet, but just let your imagination run. Because I'm going to!

May 11, 2009

2009-05-11T09:45:00.000-06:00

A monologue by MaLeah as she was waiting for her ride to preschool this morning.
(I was wiping off the countertop and trying to remember every word.)

“I would sit by Taylor today. She’s nice, but Eli always kisses her. I tell him, Eli stop kissing her. It’s gross. But then he kisses her and kisses her and I think he just kinda wants to marry her. I’m not sure if Taylor wants to marry him. But he kisses her and I think it’s because Taylor’s so cuter than me. She’s so cuter than all of us. That’s why he likes to kiss her. It’s gross. Maybe I can sit by Emma.”
I break in, “You can sit by Taylor too.”
“Yeah,” she says, “I can sit in the middle. Maybe then Eli won’t kiss me too.”

Diana and Carin and all the other preschool mom’s I hope you’re laughing. I’ve never seen Eli kiss anybody, but I think it’s cute and funny anyway.

May 2, 2009

2009-05-02T13:06:00.002-06:00

We have very mixed feelings about selling our home. This is our first home . . . the place we have had such life changing experiences. But we know it's the right time to sell. My goal right now is to get our family settled. That means closer to family and the possibility of building a home. For now we're moving to the farm house Ward's parents own. We'll rent it for now. (The plus side of this? A beautiful location. Close to family and help. Hardwood floors discovered under the old carpet. Old friends and new friends awaiting our arrival) Although we love our neighborhood and friends here, and even our house because of all the changes we made to it, this is the right thing to do.
So I'm posting a slideshow of all the improvements we've made to the house. Not for any reason except that this was a ton of work! And because of my illness not a lot of people have been able to see what we really did. We love this house now. We love our neighbors. We are really saddened to leave.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

April 29, 2009

2009-04-29T20:36:00.008-06:00

I've been working on some fun pictures this week. Thought I'd share.

This is Ward's sister Katrina and her family. Her husband is a state legislator, so we did a shoot to get them some family pictures and some of him doing what he does. I htink they're a beautiful family!

This is my friend's daughter. We did some fun shots on a very sunny day.

April 27, 2009

2009-04-27T08:57:00.003-06:00

I took this picture this morning while McCady was waiting for the bus. Then I figured out a new way to edit it. What amazing girls! How lucky I am!

Before

after

April 26, 2009

2009-04-26T09:43:00.001-06:00

About a year ago someone said, “Have you seen the bucket list?” We hadn’t, but the reviews were great from what we’d heard. I have to admit I kind of knew what it was about, but I didn’t realize how STUPID it would be for me to watch it the night before I entered a BioChemo session. Really, I could have thought that one through a little better. I hated the movie because it was just too close. But after watching it I did create my own list (I don’t call mine a bucket list, because I don’t intend to kick anything). I believe whether you have an illness or not you should create a list of things you absolutely want to do. A lot of people have asked what I’ve been doing over the last three weeks and to be honest I’ve been working on my list. I’m not going to post it, but I maybe I’ll share a few things from it.
Wicked!
Ever since my friend Kelly’s son Devon told me about Wicked I’ve wanted to see it. I bought the music and my kids have heard it so much now they beg to hear WICKED all the time. In December I actually stood in line for tickets in freezing temperatures for 3 ½ hours and never got tickets (It sold out). I gave up on seeing it in Salt Lake. So when my parents offered me their tickets—I couldn’t take them (My mom really wanted to see it—yes you did mom). So I went on KSL and bought tickets from a kid who was at the U. At first I was kind of mad that he marked them up so much, but then I thought I probably helped him pay for his books this semester. That’s a good reason isn’t it? We had a great time and I actually got to go with my parents, little sister Elisabeth and my aunt and uncle—Mike & Marjean and cousins Natalie and Ty. It was a fun night. Would I spend that kind of money again? Probably—books are pretty expensive for college students!

Writing
If you know me, you know I write. I’ve spent a lot of time working on writing over the last three weeks. I’m working on a project for my girls. It’s extremely important to me. I’ve spent a lot of time with journals and thinking about things as I grew up.
Story Corps
This wasn’t on my list, but it’s one my favorite things ever. Have you ever heard about Story Corps? They are a non-profit organization based out of NYC who travel from city to city with a large trailer. The trailer is set up as a sound studio. Basically they record people’s stories. Sometimes they play the stories on NPR or other radio programs. Jodi’s sister works for them so when they came to Salt Lake City, Jodi arranged for the two of us to do a recording. She was my interviewer and all I had to do was answer questions. She asked all about my childhood, about growing up, about my life in Cleveland and as a mother. It was so much fun. I love her, so I was comfortable and able to talk about so many things. They gave me a copy of the interview, so now I have it for my kids. It was a wonderful experience.
Our House
One of the things on my list was to remodel a house. I put that on after the fact, kind of like you put something on your list of things to do just to check it off. But really it was something I always wanted to do. I’ve been thinking about it so much over the last few weeks because we’ve listed our house to sell. So I’ve been getting things ready and taking pictures. I never got to post before and after pictures because of this whole treatment thing. But I will this week.

April 8, 2009

2009-04-08T14:19:00.005-06:00

Over the last weekend of March, Ward and I loaded our kids up and drove to Jackson, Wyoming to celebrate our anniversary and GET AWAY!!!! We'd been talking about our anniversary for a long time and we both decided we needed to go somewhere warm . . . so . . . we chose Jackson? Seriously I haven't seen so much snow in my life. It was still fun and we had a great time with the girls. Maybe we'll go somewhere warm next year.
The BIG NEWS from the trip centers around Maiya's WAH WAH. Her little companion from birth--that little piece of silicone, that's going to cost at least $3,000 in braces when she's fourteen--ah the pacifier.
Ward told her that while we were in Jackson she needed to find a nice animal to give her wah wah to. She fretted about it the whole three days, until on the last day we were driving out of town, past the Best Western. It had a whole bunch of carved wooden bears all around it. "Look!" we said, "Baby Bears!!!!" We drove around the entrance to the hotel until we found the perfect little baby bear--who really needed his own wah wah (you know because he doesn't have a mom or dad and the wah wah will make him feel better). Well this little guy was perfect because he was standing right next to a trash can (keep Jackson Clean!).
She bravely gave the bear the wah wah and then leaned down to give him a kiss. I wish the pictures showed how dang cute it was.
She talked about the wah wah the whole ride home and for the next three nights (when she didn’t sleep). Then she remembered she'd given her Uncle Wyatt (26) a wah wah for his birthday--a gag gift about the size of my hand. "Maybe he'll share," she said.
Maybe:)

April 1, 2009

2009-04-01T20:47:00.002-06:00

I tried to be “normal” today—whatever that is. I took MaLeah to preschool, then Maiya and I went to find me a dress (I’m in desperate need of a new one). We picked McCady up from school and then headed to Huntsville for kindergarten round-up for MaLeah. I spent some time at my friend’s beautiful new home, just enjoying the tour and talking with her.
I tried really hard not to think about yesterday and the truth about my cancer. Raggi or Dr. Ragini Kuchicara (sp?) was very straight forward. I’d been talking to the study coordinator I had been working with—and the new one she passed me off to. Raggi walked in and said, “Hi Anne. So, the Altor (the study drug) isn’t working. The good news is the brain MRI is clear—there’s no cancer in your brain. But, the tumors have grown considerably and they've spread to your liver.”
I don’t know what my mom was thinking at my side, but I was glad she’d insisted on coming. They took us into the room where they view the scans and showed me everything. And Dr. Gonzales came in to discuss the films. I still don’t know what I think. On one hand I just try remember my friend Bill. He’s had melanoma in his liver and lung and brain and every other imaginable location. He’s a fighter—and I want to be like him. I’m grateful to have him. On the other hand I don’t know how to grasp it. I just thought it would be more of the same—not spread etc.
Anyway, I feel very comfortable with Dr. Gonzales as my doctor. I told him about my migraines and told him my theory that I have migraines when my tumors are growing. (You know because my medical degree is so current and everything). He didn’t agree with me, and told me that he’d never heard anything like that before. So I don’t know why I have migraines all the time—my brain’s clear—thank goodness. They said that the extreme pain in my chest is most likely because the tumor in the right lung has grown so much and it’s right in the plura. The tumors around my heart have pretty much imbedded themselves around the aorta and the tumor they radiated in August is now looking like it’s growing. There are several spots on my liver and one bigger one to the side of my liver. For right now that’s all.
So I’ll be taking a chemo pill that will hopefully stabilize things—or hopefully freeze them. Dr. Gonzales said we needed to “buy time” until a certain treatment he knows about, but hasn’t been approved yet can be presented and then hopefully I can try that. He has other ideas, but for right now we're going to try to slow it down.
I don’t know a lot of things, but one thing I know for sure is that my trust is in my Heavenly Father. I know he’s in charge of things. I know he has a plan for me and that he loves me. I feel so grateful that he has blessed me with such beautiful daughters and a good husband. I feel his guidance and direction as I choose what I do with every minute of every day. I know that my Savior, Jesus Christ lives. I’m so grateful that he provided a way for me to live with Him and my Father in Heaven and my family forever. And I’m going to do everything I can to be a better person, and worthy enough to be with them. I am grateful for the inspiration of the Holy Ghost and the comfort he gives me through all of this mess.
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I’m so grateful for my support system. I love you all.

March 26, 2009

2009-03-26T12:56:00.004-06:00

SUPERMAN & SUPER CUTIES

SUPERMAN

Yesterday was mayhem around here. After a very busy day Ward rushed home so the two of us could go to a meeting at 5:30 (He's never home at 5:30!). We dropped our kids off at my friend Charlotte's house, but we had to be back by 7:00 so Charlotte and I could go visiting some ladies in our neighborhood. Ward agreed to watch SIX LITTLE GIRLS while we went visiting. I was a little nervous, but when we got home at about 8:50, my house was immaculate. I am not exaggerating. The kitchen was spotless, the bedrooms all clean, the laundry was finished, even the fish had a new spit shined bowl. There were six little girls running around in nightgowns--not one of them upset in any way--except that we were home and they had to separate for the night (they really play well together), but Ward was no where to be found. I searched the house and finally found him in the basement on the phone with a patient who was in pain. After the kids were in bed he carried two filing cabinets to the basement and I wondered where he was hiding his cape. I am seriously the luckiest woman in the world.

SUPER CUTIES

McCady and her friend M got on the bus together the other day. I asked them to jump so I could practice some action shots. I was laughing so hard I could hardly stand it. McCady just jumped like a maniac. I had to include this.

MaLeah thinks she is so big. She gave Ward and me a timeout today because we were speaking excitedly about something that happened at work.

The other day Maiya made a huge mess. I stripped her down and put her in the tub. I turned the water on. First it was too cold, then it was too hot. Then she yelled, "It's not ticklish! It's not ticklish!"

March 21, 2009

2009-03-21T07:53:00.002-06:00

It seems unreal that the last four weeks could pass so quickly. Much of it has been spent recovering and dealing with the many extreme side effects of this drug. Because this trial was phase one, the doctors couldn’t tell me any of the side effects that would accompany the drug, so it’s been very strange to tell them what’s happening and have them say “Oh, really?” or “Is that right?”

So after several bouts of intense unexplained pain, a day spent in the ER—trying to figure it out, an entire day spent at ORMC for transfusion, numerous doctor’s appointments, several days and nights eaten up by migraines (which happened to come on as a result of this treatment), and lots of questioning, why is my body doing this and that and everything in between, I’ve managed to squeeze in a little normal.

Things like teaching two days of preschool (monumental on my list of things I’ve done in the past 4 weeks!), trying to be nicer mom and wife (the pain really gets me), tackling two huge stacks of filing (the past five months of business and personal papers built up—the stacks combined were 2.5 feet high—I measured—did I mention I HATE filing?) and trying to get some (very little) writing done. We also got to see our friends Amie and Zach Houser over this last week. They lived across the street from us in Little Italy and it’s been at least five years. It was so much fun to see them and remember what good times we had and good friends we had in them! They live in Japan and we feel lucky they’d take time to see us in the short amount of time they were visiting Utah.

Ward feels grateful that I’m finally feeling a little more normal. Last night he said, “You finally seem like you.” I have looked really pale and been so tired. I feel more normal, so that’s good.

So here’s the plan. Thanks to the substantial amount of air in my study coordinator’s brain, my schedule has been dumped upside down more than once over the last 3 days. My flights have changed twice (she’s very glad I purchased trip insurance), my scans have been changed and moved more than twice and my way of speaking to her has become incredibly direct and clear. Now I will be going to Colorado on the 30th of March and staying for one night to complete all the scans and appointments.

That gives us one extra week of trying to be normal and we’re glad because our anniversary is this next weekend (13 YEARS!) and we are going to do something fun. Our kids are invited because we leave them too much for treatment, so we are going to have a fun little family trip.

March 17, 2009

2009-03-20T12:00:00.004-06:00

On St. Patrick's Day, MaLeah and Maiya and I had a wonderful time--just the three of us. That night after so much play and so many moments of "Let's be best friends!" we put them to bed. About and hour later I went to check on them and found Maiya curled up next to her sister/best-friend, sound asleep. I LOVE these moments.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

March 16, 2009

2009-03-16T17:33:00.003-06:00

I know I can't slow all this growing up down, but I do want to capture some of these perfect moments. Maiya is so cute and her personality is just amazing. Her goal in life is to make us laugh--and she does. Every mom wants her child to understand how special she is, you know realize she came from Heaven, etc. Well the other day Maiya did something really cute and I said, "Where did you come from?" She looked directly at me and said, "The D.I." The D.I. is a thrift store around here. Then today when I was laying her down for a nap, I kissed her and said, you're my little angel. She looked at me and said, "I not an angel . . . I just just kid."
I'm so grateful for my girls and every day I have to be with them.

March 9, 2009

2009-03-09T21:43:00.004-06:00

When you feel well the world looks different. Finally, I am feeling kind of like myself.

So, I want to put a plug in for a friend of mine. My friend Josi S. Kilpack is the author of 9 novels. Her newest book Lemon Tart is the first in a set of 4 culinary mysteries. What a fun read for anyone who likes to read and eat! I tried her Alfredo recipe from the book for dinner tonight and it was great!

Before my treatment I told Josi I’d take some author type pictures of her. I thought I’d include a few that I liked. I think she looks good. Check out her books they are great!

March 4, 2009

2009-03-04T21:56:00.003-07:00

About a year ago I had a friend offer that she would be available to “listen” to me whenever things got tough through my treatment. Even if she picked up the phone and all she heard was screaming—she’d listen. I thought, “Yeah right. When will I ever need someone to listen to me like that?”

When? Yesterday. Yesterday was that day. I knew I needed to talk to someone. So I called my friend Tiffany. Two time survivor of leukemia, bone marrow transplant, mom, and my friend. I don’t know what it was that broke everything, but when it all came down and I called Tiffany she answered, “Hi!” I couldn’t even get through my first sentence without her saying, “It’s okay. What’s going on??” Then she listened like no one else could because she’s been there. Because she knows what it “feels” like. All of it and she just listened. She didn’t try to solve anything. She didn’t try to make anything better she just listened. What did I tell her? It seems trivial today when things are better to recap the last couple of weeks, but I’m going to do it because so many people care. Thank you for caring. And thank you Tiffany for just listening.

The first week of treatment seemed okay. I gained about 18 lbs., itched like crazy and had Ward there with me through the treatment. It didn't seem too bad. Then I was home for 6 days, lost much of the weight from the treatment and we were back. This time with my Mom and Dad, who I am so grateful for.

In not so brief: I had a PICC line placed on the Thursday before my treatment began—No they couldn’t make it more convenient because the drug company is paying for everything so I had to go by their protocol and be away from my family for 4 extra days. Monday morning I started my treatment—things went so smoothly and quickly (Not so common). I was very grateful for a visit from my friend Bill Frey and his wife Karen. They have been a huge inspiration and support to me through this. After Monday morning my days cloud and I remember receiving medication to dull the effects of the actual drug and then receiving the drug everyday at about 3:00 then everything is gone from that time on for the rest of the day. The week just really slipped by me—except that my Mom and Dad were there to take care of me. The most clear thing of all was Friday afternoon when Ward appeared in the doorway and I felt saved. I told him to take me home and we were on our way driving home within two hours. The drive was fine (I was completely doped up) and I was grateful he was there—It was worth the $59.00 one way ticket to have him come—especially since neither of my parents wanted to drive home across Wyoming in the dark.

The side-effects from this treatment were extreme. Again I gained about 20 lbs. (Try gaining and losing 20 lbs. twice over three weeks). This time I was quite dehydrated throughout the treatment so the nurses told my mom. By the time I got home I had through my incoherence in the treatment scratched many places over my body to open sores. When Ward stepped in and made me stop scratching they scabbed over so I had patches of scabs, about 3-6 inches each, over my entire body and then my body began to peel as it would if you would have a really bad sunburn. My sister who saw me on Saturday said she couldn’t believe what I looked like “the little slits for eyes, the puffiness, the scabs the peeling skin everywhere”. Are you grossed out yet? Now add the ultimate fatigue, joint pain, the electric shocking sensation that you feel every time a bead of water from the shower hits any part of your peeling body, and the extreme pain from lotion applied to the open sores to help them heal and add to that the migraine that had to top things off yesterday and you’ll understand what a good friend Tiffany is.

Maiya told Ward yesterday “Mommy cried and cried because she’s not a strong mommy.” I forget to kind of keep things to myself around my 3 year old. But it was verbatim what I had said all morning. All I wanted was to be back to how I used to be. I wanted to be a strong mommy that didn’t have to have help from anybody else. I wanted to be able to have control over my life and my future.

I have an eight week break right now. Eight weeks. I’m so happy. I have scans but no treatment. In all honesty I think that if they’d told me yesterday that the treatment was working and I needed to start another round I would have told them NO! I think eight weeks will help me forget. I hope it does—and I hope the treatment is working.

Just know that I’m okay today. Why did I tell you all this? I don’t know. It’s me. It’s my life and this is all about documenting and getting it out there so I can take a good look at things. I hope you’re not too disturbed. I hope you know that while yesterday was a lot about crying and screaming (a little). A few too many of those moments were in the form of prayers. And I am so grateful for the immediate answers to so many of them. For a friend who would listen, for a husband who would do everything, for a loving Heavenly Father who made things much better today.

I love you all. Make today a good day.

February 19, 2009

2009-02-19T16:45:00.002-07:00

I am in Colorado. I had to have my PICC placed today so I can begin treatment again on Monday. It was kind of a rough go. The first nurse tried 3 times to get the line to go in--that means that she put a needle about the size of a ball point pen tip into my arm, dug around until she got the vein and then shoved a triple louvered line up my vein toward my heart. The only problem was that I have scar tissue in my vein and she couldn't get it to go through. Finally they called a more experienced nurse in who got it on her first try. But good greif--three shots of litocaine and by the fourth time she didn't even have to numb me up. My wonderful friend Jamica drove me around to appointments today. I told her the PICC should take about 2 hours. it was more like 3 1/2. I'm so tired. I'll bet she is too. She had two kids in a Suburban for that long. My mom and dad are going to be here with me in Denver this weekend and through next week. I'm so grateful for them and their willingness to leave everything behind for me. They drove the long drive while I got to fly this morning. We will all drive home together next Saturday.

I got my hair cut yesterday and the curls are gone. When McCady walked in from school she said, "Wow! You look good . . . what'dya do?" MaLeah patted my head last night and said, "Why'd she have to take them all away? (the curls) I think she should've left 'em." I like my cut. It's short, but it's stylish and I have never been stylish. I hope when I wash it I'll be able to style it again like she did it. However this next week I won't be styling anything. A few days without a shower is something that doesn't lend itself well to style--maybe smell--but not style.

My little McCady has gone on from the council (district level) to the regional level (multi school districts) for the reflections video she made. It makes me laugh that all these judges keep passing it along. But it is her own work and it is pretty amazing to me. I don't understand all of it I just know she keeps getting trophies for the same video. She thinks it's great. I do too.

February 15, 2009 c

2009-02-15T21:51:00.002-07:00

Lest I appear like this treatment I had last week was a walk in the park I wanted to add an excerpt from Ward's journal. I don't mean to be so lighthearted, but I love to post pictures and talk about my kids. Please know that the pictures that follow in the following blogs are fun and did happen, but they aren't what happened last week. Love Anne

February 12, 2009
Anne is doing as good as she could be doing right now. During the days she sleeps a lot and they have her on meds to keep her blood pressure up. At night about 5:30 pm she has her experimental drug Alt 801. About 1-3 hours later she gets cold and then the riggers start (Shakes). Each day the shakes last longer and become more violent. This 4th one lasted about 45 minutes. It is always good to get her over this part. During the day Anne feels well enough to have a good conversation with me. But after about 30 minutes she falls asleep and it is good that she does a lot of sleeping. I don't think she has a lot of choice in this due to the meds they keep her on. She has problems with intense itching and is very agitated especially this last day. This case study that she is a part of is for 2 weeks with a one week break between. Then she will wait 4 weeks and have scans to see if it is working and then if it is she can have 2 more weeks of the treatment. If it is not working then they will have to use radiation. Anne has two locations where the cancer is now one is in her right lung about the size of an apricot and the other is about the size of an apple above her heart. The area above her heart has already been radiated and the one in her right lung will be used to monitor the effectiveness of this treatment. This Case study is very new and Anne is one of 3 people who have been a part of it in Denver and a handful of people in the US. This drug has shown good results to lab mice and we are hoping for the same with humans. Anne is on the forefront of research and medicine . . . Tonight Anne has been given her last dose of the Alt drug and she needs to get through the night and tomorrow we hope that she will be able to hold her blood pressure up and go home. We both want to go home so bad. We miss our girls, our home, our bed and Anne is sick of cords strapping her down for a week and we are both sick of that blasted beeping noise (alarms). I must admit that this time at the hospital the beeping has been much less, all the monitors hooked to her.

February 15, 2009 b

2009-02-15T21:14:00.003-07:00

So I had to add a couple of pictures. My little sister Elisabeth took what is called a selfie (where she holds out the camera and takes a picture of herself). I think she did an swesome job.
I stole this off her facebook so the pixels aren't that big. I think she did an awesome job. Isn't she beautiful??

These are the two I took of myself. I think they turned out good. Except I look really old!

Finally I have to add this one. Can you believe these eyes? They are like a huge whirlpool that just suck you in and make you want to give her that piece of candy, or whatever she's asking for. I love them! Love her. You are beautiful MaLeah!

February 15, 2009

2009-02-15T20:57:00.003-07:00

I just wanted to write and let everybody know that we're home--and safe. Thanks to Ward's unbending drive--to drive through three snow storms to get home at 3:00 am on Saturday morning. We were sick of the hospital and none of the motels on the drive between Denver and Utah called out to us with any allure (Not one bit to be exact). So we slept until seven when the girls came in to wake us up at my Mom's and then we headed home mid-morning to be HOME! We love home. We spent the day jsut laughing and I tried to collect what little thoughts I could--there weren't many, I couldn't even put together a sentence to post yesterday or this morning.
Happy 3rd Birthday Maiya!

All the girls together, celebrating Maiya's Birthday--Dad's become the photographer

One down . . . one more to go!

You can do it!

Eeeeee! Eeeeeee! I look like a pumpkin!!!!

I wanted to post the teeth pictures and others that we love.

February 9, 2009

2009-02-09T07:18:00.005-07:00

I haven't been able to update over the last week, mostly because I feel like I've been hanging on for dear life on a rollercoaster. So here's the update of everybody:

Maiya: Maiya's birthday is this week, and since we're going to be gone we celebrated on Saturday between my trips to Colorado. I've tried for weeks to get her to tell me what she wants for her birthday. Every time I asked all she'd say was, "Long hair." I should've gotten her a wig, but I couldn't find a decent one. But she's so cute and she was completely ecstatic about decorating her own cupcake, opening a 12 Dancing Princesses DVD and dancing around the living room with her sisters during her birthday celebration.

MaLeah: She is trying really hard to ignore everything about Colorado and treatment. She glows when she gets to escape to preschool. And she's happy when she gets to lie in her bed and have me tickle her cheeks. If you know her you know about her brown eyes that are so hypnotic they suck you in and melt any heart. Well, she's wielding them now so I'll just cave in any situation and just hug her to death.

McCady: Lost her two front teeth this past week. She's so excited. Despite his prowess for teeth, Ward is pretty big on having her pull her own teeth. She pulled them both by herself, even though one dangled there for two days until she got up enough nerve to rip it out.

Me: I flew to Denver on Thursday--had a PICC placed, an MRI, a CT and several other preliminary things. I flew home on Friday and we celebrated Maiya's birthday. Sunday Ward and I drove to Colorado. It was a long drive. I drove all the way to Laramie--Wow, and not in the New York City type of WOW! I've never seen such a windy, dry, cold city, but I was really glad we made it there--since my low fuel light had been on for 14 miles.
This morning we're going to the hospital where I'll be admitted until Friday. It should be something--even if it's not fun.

Ward: I think he's got a new appreciation for his own driving after letting me drive that far. He took the wheel in Laramie and I wasn't sad. We were both happy to make it to Loveland CO. He's ready to sleep on the couch/sofa in the hospital room. My mom loaded us up with enough DVDs to last until next Christmas.

We're doing fine. We're grateful for your thoughts and prayers. We're grateful for this treatment and hope it does all it's supposed to do. Have a great week. We'll update next week.

January 29, 2009

2009-01-29T09:23:00.001-07:00

RESULTS!
Yesterday we found out that I passed the tissue type! I add an exclamation point because this is what we wanted . . . what we prayed for . . . right?? Well I think an experience with McCady last night kind of summed up my feelings on the whole situation.
At dinner Ward asked McCady to bless the food. “Remember to thank Heavenly Father for helping Mommy be the right tissue type.” She said a very cute prayer and after she was done said, “I’m so glad you passed Mommy!” (Like it was a huge exam or something) Ward hugged her and then said, “It’s so good, huh, now Mommy can start her treatments again.”
The look of pure horror that crossed across her face was similar to what was in my heart. She tried to smile, several times, but failed and didn’t say anything. She just seemed to be thinking—You’ve got to be kidding me! That’s what we were praying for?!?
I know how she feels. This is what we wanted. We wanted the treatment and we’ll take all the stuff that comes along with it—the separation, travel to Denver, the bouncing from house to house, craziness the treatment causes, the sick Mommy in bed, the Daddy stressed about everything, the kind people who do so much for us, the blessings poured out from heaven—because that’s where the hope lies. I’m so grateful, and trying not to be mixed. So relieved that I qualify and so apprehensive about what the next few months hold. I’m so grateful for you all—for my family and friends who remember me in prayer and thought no matter your beliefs—no matter how busy you are. I love you all!
Ward’s mom said the other day. You guys are really intense. But it seems like it’s just for a few days and then everything seems better. I’m grateful for that too. A few days here and there, intermingled with such an amazing life . . . I’ll take that, any day.

January 26, 2009

2009-01-26T22:08:00.001-07:00

It’s been kind of hard to get computer time since I got back from Colorado on Friday night. I just wanted to give a quick update. It was so nice to be able to sit down with the doctors there and have them really go over the scans with me. I learned that the mass in the center of my chest is for sure Melanoma, as is the one in the right lobe of my right lung. The thyroid cancer is still there—still active—but not spreading. Doctor Gonzales said it was quite concerning that the Melanoma is recurring and growing so quickly after such a short time since BioChemo. He said that they will not allow me to do BioChemo again as it is too aggressive. So our plan for now is to do a clinical trial. They have received the go ahead for me to participate in this particular trial as long as I pass the tissue typing (which I will find out about in the next couple of days). They were completely giddy over the fact that I passed the gene type. Only 20% of the population has the specific gene they were looking for in this clinical trial. If I pass the tissue type then I will begin the trial as soon as next week. They say that it is not as aggressive as BioChemo, but it is the same stuff that made me so crazy before. But this is our best option right now. Before I went to Colorado with my family, I researched every clinical trial they offer in Utah. Things just aren’t as cutting edge in Utah (for Melanoma—other cancer research is completely on the forefront at Huntsman and University—just not for Melanoma). I wouldn’t qualify for any of them anyway because of my Thyroid cancer. So please say a little prayer that I will qualify and that things will fall into place for us. We feel remarkably calm about things. We’re grateful for the wonderful blessings we’ve had thus far. We’re grateful for all of the time we’ve been blessed with.
I’m really grateful for my time in Colorado this time. I stayed with a friend from High School—ZCMI Teen Board—and College, Jamica McConkie Wilcox. She and her family were absolutely wonderful. Jamica and I had a fun afternoon between scans on Thursday. We went to lunch and drove through Denver. We saw some of the sights and tried to shop, but that was a bust since both of us are terrible shoppers. While searching for an outdoor mall called the 16th Street Mall, Jamica was giving directions, I was driving. She said turn right here. Without really looking I turned right and we found ourselves exactly on the 16th Street Mall (where you are NOT supposed to drive). We tried to get off as pedestrians walked around us and pointed our way off the plaza. We had a great laugh over that one. I loved being in Jamica and Bryan’s home. It was so peaceful. Their kids (all five of them) were so good, I mean really good I never saw any of them argue or scream or fight at all.
I love you all. I’m thinking of something funny or cute for next post.

January 20, 2009

2009-01-20T22:21:00.005-07:00

ENOUGH OF CANCER!
I'm sick of talking about cancer. I do other things all the time. One other think I've been doing is just messing around with my camera. Here are a few pictures I took of the three girls I teach at church. Thanks Marjean for the props and the great ideas of where to take the pics. Thanks Josie, Marisah and Mandy for having fun.
She is actually on top of a train--20 feet up!
She was the best poser!

She wants to be on Broadway when she grows up. I think she'll make it!

January 16, 2009

2009-01-16T20:39:00.004-07:00

Today we met with Dr. Gonzales. They were unable to open the scans from Utah. This has been a continual problem since we started this whole process. So, we didn't get huge news today. I have to come back on Tuesday next week. I'm going to come alone and just stay with friends. I have to have tests and scans on Wednesday and Thursday then I have appointments on Friday. The tests will determine once and for all that the mass inside my subcarinal region is Melanoma and NOT Metastatic Thyroid Cancer. It would be so much more treatable if it were Thyroid Cancer. But then things are still a mess because I still have the other mass in the right lobe of my lung. It is not Thyroid Cancer--if only it was. So no treatments yet. But I signed a 16 page agreement to participate in a clinical trial. I will only be able to participate in it if I pass two elimination tests. I am eliminated from almost every other Melanoma clinical trial available because of the Thyroid Cancer. You can't have two types of cancer to participate. Silly, huh?
Saturday morning:
Through all of this it's really easy to get frustrated. Really. But it's all about perspective. This morning it's easier to see things. I wouldn't trade this trip. I would trade the smiles, giggles and sheer joy of seeing McCady and Ward having an all out snowball fight in the parking lot of the Mormon Temple yesterday (We were the only ones there at the time). I will never forget the excitement as Maiya jumped from the side of the pool into my arms. I couldn't give up sitting in the back of the van with my arm around MaLeah telling her it would be okay that she left her little junky Happy Meal toy in the restaurant. And the giddy anticipation of Ward as he talks about going to the National Stock show on our way out of Denver this morning. I hope he loves it as much as I love seeing him look forward to it.
I feel very lucky this morning to be here to see all this. So many people with my diagnosis didn't get to have these kinds of moments. I feel grateful for a Gideon Bible in the nightstand--so I didn't have to go wake up the kids to get my own scriptures this morning. I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who is guiding us. He is ever caring and I am grateful for him. How blessed I am in so many many ways. Thank you for all your prayers and support. Love Anne

January 14, 2009

2009-01-14T09:24:00.000-07:00

I really think I have ADHD. I function normally when I have 3-4 books I’m reading at one time, 4 projects to complete, and 5 people I need to take things to. So, lying on a table for an hour and a half every day for five days in a row really makes me anxious. Not to mention the fact that I have to drive an hour to get there and an hour to get home. I solved the problem of driving by reading my friend’s book manuscript to my Mom (who was the one who was actually driving).

The first day I took the Tale of Desperaux on CD. I thought it might be good to listen to—after all they made a movie out of it. But then I realized that the first time I read it I hadn’t loved it. After the first CD was over the therapists didn’t know what to put on next. They’d asked me if I liked Carrie Underwood before the session and I said yes. So they put on what I kindly refer to as Chic Country (kind of like Chic Lit, but more along the lines of the stuff that makes me turn the channel on the country station when these kinds of songs come on). I didn’t hear one Carrie Underwood song—but if I have to listen to one more Susie Boggess tune I just might scream, but that would mess up the machine.

So I’m finished with the days of radiation and I’m really grateful I was able to have them. We are leaving tomorrow for Colorado. We’re taking the kids and Ward’s sister Katie is going to come and watch the kids while we’re in Drs. appointments. The minute the Drs. heard about the growth and received the scans they told me to get back there. Double in size is not what anybody wants to hear. We’re doing fine.

Ward spoke at the adult session of Stake Conference on Saturday night. For those of you who aren’t Mormon this is a huge meeting for just adults, combining in our Stake about 8 congregations. It was a hard week to begin with, but this just kind of put him over the edge. He did a really good job and it was very touching to hear him speak of turning to the Lord even through adversity. He doesn’t wish for this assignment again—neither do I especially in a week like this one.

January 9, 2009

2009-01-14T09:18:00.001-07:00

Pain.
On Thursday night I really thought I would die. I’m not exaggerating. When I finished my treatment and got in the car I had one of my coughing fits and I couldn’t stop. By the time we got home (1 hr later) I was in so much pain I was in tears. When Ward got home I just couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t lie down and I couldn’t move without ripping pain. The closest thing to this kind of pain was when I fell skiing and for a week didn’t know what was wrong inside until they found that first big tumor. I didn’t know why I was having this kind of pain. The doctors had told me before, that pain wasn’t really a side effect of the radiation, but that is a load of crap! I had to take percocet to sleep and when I woke up in the morning the pain was just as bad.

There were a lot of tears that night and actually a lot of talking about what we were going to do in the future, or what Ward would do if I wasn’t around. I sat on McCady’s bed and looked at those girls and asked God why he gave them to me if I was not going to be here. It sounds really dramatic, but it was so scary.

When we went to treatment the next morning I asked to speak to Dr. Riley before I started. I told him about the pain. He just hem-hawed, and then he said he was sure we were irritating the tumor. He prescribed a steroid. Then I went in and lay on the table. I was in some pain, but then all of a sudden I fell asleep. You’re not really supposed to sleep during the treatment, but how was I supposed to stop it with Enya and Dido crooning over the speakers?
I jolted awake and felt different. I didn’t know what it was. When the treatment was over I got up and my pain was so much less. I can’t even describe how much less. No, I don’t know what happened. I just know it did. I haven’t been in too much pain since then. I think Heavenly Father really took the pain away.
I’m very grateful for that.

January 8, 2009

2009-01-08T20:02:00.001-07:00

Wendell & Laura
On December 11, 2008 Ward's younger brother Wendell got married to Laura Brinton. I think they are a beautiful couple. After the wedding I followed the photographer around snapped pictures, really just practicing and trying to catch moments he wouldn't think about. McKay . . . thank you so much!

January 8, 2009 continued

2009-01-08T19:50:00.009-07:00

2009-01-07T10:33:00.002-07:00

The Good . . . The Bad . . . And the Ugly
Yesterday was a Clint Eastwood sort of day around here. And just so you know he’s one of my least favorite actors. Please read this post with a smile--I'm really okay. I'm even laughing when I put this all together.

THE GOOD (No Clint Eastwood involved):
11:30 a.m.
A tea party, with crackers, cheese, sliced apples and hot chocolate in little tea cups. Complete and magical with two little girls in ballet tutu’s, and made up names. MaLeah was Eliza, Maiya was Katelyn, and I was Dorothy. Maiya/Katelyn later held up my Mauve prom dress whose home is now in the box of dress up in our toy room and said: “How ‘bout you wear this Mommy?” I love 2 and 4 year olds!

1:00 p.m.
A phone call from school where the caller id said: Public Schools
Me: “Hello?”
A little voice that I could tell had been crying: “Is this Anne Creager?”
“McCady?”
“Mommy, I forgot my note to get off the bus at Maggie’s house.”
“I promise I’ll bring it to school before I go to Salt Lake.”
“Okay.”
I took the note to school on my way to treatment. Her teacher met me at the door and said she was so glad I came. McCady had been so worried that I wouldn’t be home and the bus driver would make her get off the bus at an empty house. When she saw me come through the door she ran across the room—(sans shoes . . jeans rolled up . . .arms outstretched)—and hugged me in front of all her friends. I love 7 year olds!

THE BAD:
3:25 p.m.
The conversations:
Me: I’d like to see my last scan before we start.
Dr. Riley: Oh, I wanted to talk to you about that. If you look at the scan from October 20 something it shows the tumors this big. (He circles a tumor on the screen.) Then if you look here, they’re like . . . man they’re double in size! And this one over here that looked benign on all the other scans, my gosh it’s doubled in size too. Wow . . . Sorry.
Later—me lying on the table before they began.
Me: Uh . . . (thinking—don’t cry Anne. Don’t cry) Can you give me a measurement—like in centimeters?
Dr. Riley: Uh . . . (He holds up his fingers an inch apart). It was this big. (Moves his fingers to 3-4 inches apart) I’d say that’s double. Wouldn’t you? Sorry (Shrugs his shoulders).

I’m being really dumb in this post and I know it. I really like Dr. Riley. Really. I like the therapists I work with they are more than accomodating and I am grateful for the miracle of this treatment. I just don’t like this situation and I would never want to be in his position as a doctor.

Cyber Knife:

It looks so serene doesn’t it? Well, they left out the body mould, the skin tight body suit (with little lights affixed to them and if you move even the slightest inch the whole machine shuts down—and don’t even think about scratching your nose!), the towels rolled up under her rear-end to tip her up so her feet were higher than her head and all the blood in her brain made her crazy. And I ask you does she look like she’s been lying there for 2 hours and 45 minutes? Really, I’m sarcastic, and tired and a little grouchy (can you tell?) but I’m very grateful for modern medicine.

The Ugly:
1:45 p.m. to 3:20 p.m.
1-15 down to Cyber Knife

6:15 p.m. to 7:35 p.m.
I-15 home again

December 31, 2008

2009-01-01T18:06:00.007-07:00

What does 7 years look like???

1 year of Beautiful
2 years of Crazy!

3 years of Sweetness

4 years of Special

5 years of dancing6 years of giggles! 7 years of absolute JOY!

I love you bigger than the mountains . . . higher than the space shuttle . . . double infinity and beyond . . . Forever and ever . . . and ever!

Happy Birthday McCady!

December 27, 2008

2008-12-28T23:10:00.005-07:00

I'd love to think I'm on top of things, but to those of you who I love so much, but didn't get a card in the mail--here it is. Please forgive me!

December 21, 2008

2008-12-21T21:22:00.003-07:00

The surgery on Thursday was a success. They placed gold fiducial seeds into lymph nodes smack in the middle of my chest (method? A rigid scope, a very long needle, an ultrasound and other stuff down my throat.) This one worked unlike the one last week! (I’m thankful for General Anesthesia) From what I hear the procedure to implant these seeds this way has been done two to three times in Boston and few in Germany. Interesting. I begin a second round of pin point radiation asap (from my experience this year pinpointing a date is a lot harder than pinpointing a tumor). I am grateful for modern medicine and a Dr. willing to try new things.
For right now we're just gearing up for Christmas. I've decided next year I'm going to get my cards and the cards for Ward's office done before December 1. It's crazy trying to get them all done right before Christmas. Tonight we had our Polar Express party. This is one of the girls favorite traditions. We read the story, watch the movie with popcorn and of course hot chocolate (at just the right moment) and then we ring the bells before they go to bed. It's so fun to just do things with the five of us sometimes. I'm so glad I get to be here for this.

December 10, 2008

2008-12-10T14:17:00.010-07:00

REFLECTIONS 2008: WOW!

In Utah the PTA sponsors a program that helps children experiment with different artistic mediums. Our school is great because the PTA goes all out and makes sure every child who participates is awarded a medal for their participation.

The fun part is that the kids have to do the project ALL BY THEMSELVES. McCady entered in three different categories: Visual Arts, Photography, and Film/Video.

The theme for this year was simply: Wow!

So she received medals in Visual Arts and Photography, but in Film/Video she placed in the top five in the school, received a trophy and her movie was sent on to the state competition. Follow this link to watch the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjWuQvYNOmU

I am so lucky to have her. My willingness to let her use the camera is all thanks to my sister Amy. Does this classify as hands on a camera Amy?

December 10, 2008

2008-12-10T10:53:00.002-07:00

Monday I had a Bronchoscopy to implant gold seeds into the tumor in the middle of my chest. The regular Bronchoscopy is used to retrieve things aspirated into the lungs, for biopsies (which I had done in February) and other things. For this procedure the plan was to stick a needle/cord down my esophagus, puncture through the trachea and implant the gold seeds into the tumor in the sub-carinal area—or the place between my lungs, near the heart and under the sternum. (This is my understanding of all their big words, please keep this in mind). The gold seeds need to be in place so the stereo tactic radiation will be able to locate the seeds and target them during the radiation process. Well, my Pulmonologist Dr. Chris Anderson is wonderful. He told me beforehand that this procedure has only been done once in Utah—and only a few times throughout the country. I’d had a bronch before, so I really wasn’t that worried. It’s good that we forget things.
What I forgot was that they make you breathe this terrible numbing stuff and then give you Verced (spelling?) so you’re awake through the entire procedure, and you feel it, but hopefully you just don’t remember it. I was lucky because I didn’t remember the actual procedure. However my therapist from the Cyber Knife, a friend from my neighborhood (the respiratory therapist), an old friend from South Ogden (the RN), and Dr. Anderson were all keenly aware of what was happening.
When you wake up from a procedure and everyone is looking at you like, “I’m so sorry,” you feel really weird. That’s how they were all acting. Some even left and didn’t even want to face me. Ward wasn’t able to be there this time, but he said that watching a bronch is completely disturbing. They were all feeling and acting strange because after everything the procedure didn’t work. No matter how hard Dr. Anderson tried he couldn’t get the gold seeds to imbed in the tumor. It was really frustrating and compounded by the fact that nobody would look me in the eye—except Dr. Anderson. So he made arrangements for me to go in next week and have the gold seeds surgically placed in the OR. They’ll put me completely out. Tuesday I talked to my therapist from the Cyber Knife and he couldn’t believe that I was actually calling. He kept saying “Are you sure you’re okay?” I was. I have to be. There’s too much to do to be lying around right now. This whole episode pushes all the radiation back until after Christmas.
Sometimes I feel like this really isn’t my life, and for the most part I try to make sure it isn’t my entire life. Still things like the Drs. rereading the scans and saying this is a lot different than we thought. This is bigger than we had originally planned—make me want to scream. I’m so grateful I have Ward and the girls to take me away. Ward has enough with his business to keep me and 10 other people busy. Being a mom is always a distraction from the big elephant in the corner. I’m grateful for my writing group, and my new friend Brodi, and the Young Women who all give me something happy and exciting to think about. I’m so grateful for sisters and brothers and moms & dads on both sides that talk to me and help me to find joy in every day. (Thanks for getting married tomorrow Wendell!). I’m even thankful for the stomach flu today, McCady. That’s proved to be quite the distraction. Tonight I hope to go shopping. I’m going to play Christmas Music really loud in the car and just remember what’s really important at this time of year. Today I wish you beautiful music, a light snow storm and lots and lots of Christmas chocolate. Doesn't that sound good?

December 3, 2008

2008-12-03T08:42:00.002-07:00

I had something really witty to say about how much I hate cancer, but I'm just deflated today. Last night I got an email from my friend Marge's husband. We were teachers together in Cleveland--Willowick. Her lymphoma has recurred. She's starting Chemo today. I don't know why this disease, in all it's many forms, has to hurt so many people I love. I'm really sick of it.
I'm sure Marge isn't checking this, but I LOVE YOU anyway.

December 1, 2008

2008-12-01T21:42:00.003-07:00

Tonight we were sitting on MaLeah's bed just getting ready to get everybody to sleep when out of the blue MaLeah said, "How did the baby cow get out?" Ward wide -eyed responded, "Out of the Mommy cow?" Then in a split second he realized what he'd said, I burst out laughing and he said, "Oh, you mean out of the fence?" The girls looked back and forth between us like what are you talking about? It's good they're just wondering about fences for now.

We're doing well. I'm starting the radiation process now. I get to have a lovely brochoscopy to inject gold seed into the tumor in the sub-carinal region (the area above my heart). After those heal over and imbed themselves into the tumor then they'll go ahead with the radiation.

Today we also visited Now Care for MaLeah. She had to have some blood drawn. She was so brave and the nurses were floored that she didn't cry at all. After we were all done she asked "Was I braver that McCady?" Oh my word was she. There is no way McCady would've just laid there like she did. She is a strong little girl.

November 22, 2008

2008-11-22T13:22:00.008-07:00

I took these pictures recently with some online help from my good friends Holly (Idaho) and Sarah (Alaska). So wonderful to have friends who can help me even when they're thousands of miles away. Well maybe Idaho isn't thousands of miles away, but it sure feels like it! Thanks you two, I love you!

November 12, 2008

2008-11-12T09:16:00.004-07:00

The Parable of the Potty

On Sundays I teach the girls ages 16-18 at church. This week's lesson was on Being Dependable. Sometimes I have real life experiences to share, but most weeks they're not as poignant as this one.

I have mixed emotions about my last little one venturing into panties. On one hand I want to do a victory dance, on the other it just means she's not listening when I tell her to stop growing up.

But all sentiment aside I know I've told Maiya a billion times that she's not big enough to take care of herself after she uses the potty. I'm constantly saying: "You have to call for Mommy. I promise I will come when you call." Despite my warnings she's very independant. On Wednesday after giving her a timeout for not calling for me and making a little mess, I promised her again--"Call for me, I will help you."

Friday, I was talking to Ward's sister Katrina on the phone. I never get to talk to her, so I really didn't want to be disturbed. The girls were playing. At one point I walked past the bathroom and saw Maiya on the potty. I said, "Call Mommy when you're done." Of course I kept talking and forgot all about her. I did the dishes and swept the floor. I could hear the girls at the back of the house--playing--I thought. I heard Maiya call Mommy! But she always calls for me; I didn't respond. I heard her calling louder and louder, but still, I was enjoying my conversation. I even made a comment to Katrina about how much drama there is at our house when I heard Maiya shout a couple of times. Suddenly MaLeah ran into the kitchen screaming MOMMY! MAIYA! "Wow," I told Katrina," They're kind of out of control today." You can imagine what I found when I reached the bathroom. I hung up, washed her and the whole bathroom up, wanted to kick myself and then hugged Maiya when she said, "I yelled Mommy, but you were busy." Ugh!

What did the girls at church think? After the lesson (which they referred to not-so-lovingly as the GUILT lesson--for other reasons than the potty parable) they insinuated that maybe this lesson was more for me than it was for them.
Hum.

October 31, 2008

2008-10-31T19:58:00.006-06:00

WHAT A FUN DAY!

I love Halloween and even more now that I get to see my little girls enjoy it so much! Hope you had a wonderful day too.

October 20, 2008

2008-10-20T12:36:00.010-06:00

We are home. We are safe. We are tired. But we’re happy!
We feel so lucky that we got to have this trip. Even in the middle of everything when things didn’t go according to my schedule, we still loved every minute we spent together.

Overall: A wonderful trip!

Favorites:
Ward: Being with his girls and sitting on his behind—I mean the couch at the hotel

Anne: Being together at Laguna Beach and Huntington Beach. As for Disneyland—being the first in line for Toy Story Mania! Running (actually running) from ride to ride with McCady. Seeing MaLeah and Maiya fall in love with the Carousel. (Check out the short curls)

McCady: Finding Nemo, No, The Matterhorn—No wait, Big Thunder Mountain—No, No, Grizzly River Run—No Mom! It’s Splash Mountain Remember? (She rode it 3 times)

MaLeah: Saturday! She was feeling better and could ride all the bug rides in California Adventure.

Maiya: Park City! (See why below) Oh and the Carousel in Disilieland.

Some Sticky Things: Besides all the candy and sweets mom packed (that Dentist Dad didn’t even complain about) There were a few sticking points to our trip. Our flight was scheduled to leave SLC at 6:00 am. This might work for some—but maybe it’s not such a good idea when you have to wake 2-4-6 year olds up at 4:00 am. We arrived at our hotel at 9:00 am and couldn’t check in until 4:00 pm—you can see there was a time issue here. Regardless of that they were great on the flight and for the rest of the day. They are good kids.

MaLeah got sick with the flu on Wednesday evening (And stayed sick until Friday), but enjoyed hanging out with Disney channel and Mom or Dad while we swapped took McCady on lots of ride. Maiya was just happy to be in “Park City” the whole time. She thinks if you stay in a hotel it has to be Park City—this Park City just happened to have Disilieland a bus ride away.

I didn't take my SLR camera because I didn't know how I'd manage taking pictures and keeping track of kids, so I took my old point and shoot. It broke so all my pictures are from our video camera which only shoots 2megapixels. Sad:(

Surprises:
· The girls weren’t so enamored with the Princesses. We waited in line for almost two hours the first day to see the Princesses and afterward McCady said: Can we do something fun now?
· The train . . . the train scared Maiya inside out--along with many other rides.
· I don't think Disneyland's target age is really 6-4-2. Some of the rides are SCARY! McCady begged to ride Indiana Jones. I’d never ridden it and I think she thought it would be something like Junie B. Jones. Well surprise—surprise. Let’s just make it short and say she pulled her visor over her eyes and didn’t pull it off until the ride broke down in the middle of a very scary scene and we had a discussion about how nothing at Disneyland is really real, except the wetness in your pants after some of the rides. Just kidding she didn’t wet her pants at all.
· It was so fun, no matter how tired or sick anybody got. It was just great to be together.

Real Life: This morning Maiya came out of her bedroom, handed me her pacifier and said “Put up!” I put it up and she raced around the house, trying on every outfit in her drawers five times . . . so happy to be home. McCady couldn’t wait to get to school. MaLeah was happy to have all her preschool friends come to school and Ward was just more tired than I’ve seen him in a while (We arrived home at 12:35 am last night/or this morning). I have five Drs appointments this week and a scan sometime soon. We hope all will go well and we’ll get a few more months break.

October 6, 2008

2008-10-14T10:39:00.015-06:00

Hi Everybody,
I know you haven't heard from me for a while and are probably wondering why I haven't updated. I don't know, I think it's because I get sick of talking about it, especially when there's nothing earth shattering to say. I wish I could just say Everything's Clear! But not yet. I finished radiation in the beginning of September and since that time I haven't had a doctor's appointment or anything. Dr. Gonzales, my Dr. from Colorado--and the one in charge of my care--said "after you finish radiation you pretend for 2 months that you don't have cancer. Just live your life." He said this because they won't even be able to see what's happened with the radiation until two months is up. So, I took him at his word and I've really tried to just forget about the word Melanoma all together. However, it's kind of like having a big invisible tornado looming over in the corner of every conversation. I'm trying to ignore it and most times I do great. My scan will be at the end of this month. For now I'm just really trying to enjoy my girls and Ward.

MaLeah and Maiya and I have been taking walks in the morning and it is the highlight of their day (Mine too). Our favorite place is the canal road up above our house. It is a dirt maintenance road for the canal that over looks all of Ogden and south toward Salt Lake City. The views are breathtaking and I can't believe how lucky I am to live right here. The leaves are changing and it's cooler. I'm not looking forward to snow because then we'll be stuck on the city streets, or inside.

Ward and I have been dating. We've gone out without kids once a week for almost a month straight. I can't believe how fun it's been to just be with him. Last week we grabbed some dinner and walked along the Ogden River Parkway. It was beautiful and I can't believe we've never done it.

We've planned a trip to take the girls to Disneyland and this has been very good for me. The anticipation might just be more fun than taking them--I hope not--but it's sure fun to plan. We're going in a couple of weeks. The week we come back I have five Dr.'s appointments set up. So, we're going to really enjoy our time away.

I hope this note meets you with joy in your day. I feel so grateful to have you as my friends. Love Anne

August 25, 2008

2008-10-14T10:39:00.014-06:00

Hi Family,
I know this year hasn’t exactly been dull, but this week kind of tipped the scale for us. Last week I started the actual radiation at Salt Lake Cyber Knife. (Doesn’t that sound a little daunting?) Cyber Knife is the machine that gives stereo tactic radiation. I had lots of questions because they said I would only have 4-5 treatments, that’s a lot different from what other people I know with cancer have had with radiation. So here are the Dr.’s answers to all my questions—and how I understand them.
It is actually classified as Radio Surgery. In pinpoint radiation generally used with this type of tumor has the ability to shoot into the tumor from about 13 angles, and to prevent the radiation from damaging good tissue they will do 30+ day treatments to allow the tissue affected to heal between treatments. This stereo tactic radiation has the ability to shoot into the tumor from up to 150 different angles in one treatment, and each treatment lasts about 1 ½ hours. Actually they said that for my situation this is the only viable option for radiation—because the tumor is so close to the heart and moves with each heartbeat and because it is in the lung it moves every time I breathe as well. That is why they implanted the gold seeds into the tumor a few weeks ago, so they can track it at all times during the treatment.
They did tell me the first day I went in that there were some complications—first was the proximity to the heart and second was that the margins were off because the tumor had grown a little. This was upsetting because we really thought that nothing was growing right now. But that’s why we’re doing radiation to make sure it doesn’t grow anymore. So I’m grateful that we are finally getting it done. It just makes us nervous that it may be growing somewhere else—but we’re not going to think about that right now. It’s amazing the technology that is in place. I can’t even tell you how cool the machine is. It is just like Star Wars with this large robot moving around me and administering radiation so specific that it moves with my every breath and heartbeat. My doctor had practiced radiation oncology for about 20 years, but he only opened his doors with this cyber knife 7 months ago—and he is who my oncologist directed me to.
We are so blessed to have this technology and I feel very fortunate to have been guided to different people who are really taking an interest in my case and trying to help me. It’s been crazy going down to Salt Lake every day while McCady is starting school and we’re farming out our kids and trying to get help driving back and forth through beautiful Utah construction (I’m so glad I don’t have to go down for 30 days!) But at the same time I’m so grateful to have this craziness in our lives. Seeing my little girl, so big, waiting for the bus—and excited to leave me for all day 1st grade and school lunch—just helped me realize that time slips by too fast, so I’m going to make the most out of every second I have.
Love you all—love Anne

August 17, 2008

2008-10-14T10:37:00.004-06:00

On Saturday we attended Nathan Belcher’s funeral. Nathan was my sister-in-law Heidi’s brother. He was 36 years old and had a beautiful wife and two cute little boys (3 & 7 months old). Nathan was diagnosed with Stage IV Melanoma one month before me. I’m telling you about him because I have come to know three other people personally with this disease. Two of them, Nathan and Tracy, have already passed away. I want you to know this because I want you to see the miracles I see. Throughout this year we have prayed and pleaded for miracles and we have truly seen them. I have felt your prayers and the strength and faith you have exercised for me. Recently the doctors have been confounded by my success. It is what we’ve been working for—but they can’t explain why things are working the way they are. Last week I met with a Radiation Oncologist who reviewed all of my medical history and all of the scans and tests and all he could say was “Wow . . . wow!”

I’ve been so sad over the loss of these two wonderful people. After all my prayers asking that I will recover--now I’ve asked Heavenly Father why he is blessing me. The only answer I can really understand is that we all have a plan. We are not in charge of that plan—God is. I know that He must’ve needed them with him right now. I know they didn’t pray any less than I did, but I can’t deny what I have witnessed in my own life. From little details like me changing insurances and being guided to specific doctors and treatment centers; to huge miracles like seeing my scars heal over (and knowing what was there)and tumors literally shrinking from one test to the next.

I’m not free of it yet, but things are looking so good. My results came back for the MRI and the Thyroid biopsy. The MRI was clear and we celebrated over that one. The thyroid is not Melanoma (we are so relieved). It is Thyroid cancer—but we are NOT worried about that at all because Thyroid cancer is so slow growing and so treatable that they can worry about that when other things are taken care of.

I began the process of radiation on Tuesday. They injected gold seed into the largest tumor left in my lung so they can pinpoint it with radiation. The other tumors are so small and they seem to be still reacting to the biochemo, so we are just going to just watch them. Something I’ve learned is that this is all a bunch of guess work. They aren’t positive that those small tumors are Melanoma—they won’t know unless they metastasize or grow larger even under the treatment, so don’t worry about them doing nothing about them. I’ve had exceptional care and still the doctors are helping me with every step of this process.

I went to the store with three little girls today. I never knew how fun it was to have the freedom to walk around Target. We even stopped in to see Daddy on our way home and they thought that was so fun )It’s the first time we’ve done that in at least 8 months). I love you so much and hope you are seeing the miracles in your day today—because I know they’re there.
Love Anne

July 21, 2008

2008-10-14T10:37:00.002-06:00

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written. We are doing well. It’s been six weeks since I’ve had Chemo and I’m feeling really good. My energy is coming back and so is my hair! The girls and I don’t do much everyday, but we do all the important things. We are reading the Secret Garden out loud during quiet moments of the day and McCady loves it. We spend plenty of time reading other picture books too and playing. I’ve started teaching McCady piano again. My immunity is doing better. I’m getting out. I loved spending time with family over the 4th and I’ve gone to part of Church twice. I’m getting tired of waiting in the car while Ward takes the girls in to Costco or Smiths, but that will come. I have been shopping for shoes online and I realize that this might become a habit for me. Not having to keep track of the girls or keep them from hiding in racks of clothes is kind of nice.

After my last scan Ward and I made the decision to try to keep all the care we can here in Utah—specifically radiation because that’s what’s next. I went back to see my Oncologist here in Utah and I’m glad I did. He recommended that we have a PET/CT scan before we enter into radiation. He said that the CT scan I had before is fine, but it only shows anatomy. The PET/CT will show metabolic activity, which would show if the remaining tumors are actively growing still. Either way it will give us more accurate information before we begin the radiation.

This has been a mess with getting insurance approval and we’ve had more delays than we want, but now we know I will have the scan on Friday, the results on Tuesday and then we will meet with the Drs about radiation. If they feel comfortable with performing the radiation here in Utah then we will stay here. If they don’t then we will make plans to go back to Colorado. The tricky part is the section attached to my heart. I know they do this pinpoint radiation all the time, we are hoping they just sigh and say, “We see this all the time. We’re experts.” Actually what we are hoping and praying for is a miraculous clear scan that would mean remission.

I can’t tell you how grateful we are for the miracles and the blessings we’ve had throughout this year. We can see why things have happened a certain way. We love you all and are continually grateful for your prayers and thoughts. I hope you know that you are so important to me. Love Anne

June 19, 2008

2008-10-14T10:35:00.001-06:00

I wrote an email last week, but I decided not to send it. It was so depressing. I just filed it away for myself. I was very ill last week and I’m glad it’s over. Needless to say this is a better week. I’ve been able to be home with the girls without any help. The house is a disaster, but it doesn’t matter. I’m home with them.

I had a scan last week to see how the tumors had shrunk since my last treatment. It took a while to get the results because they had to get the disk in Colorado and then they couldn’t open it. Ward and I also got a copy of the disk and we looked at it by ourselves. To us everything looked clear—extremely clear. We convinced ourselves that there was nothing left and we were really excited. So I got my results a couple of days ago. A trained physician read the scans and said there appears to be no more shrinkage. I got the news about 11:00. I just didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t tell anybody. I just mulled it around in my mind until my mom called about 4:00. That’s when the tears came for me. I unloaded on her for about an hour. By the time Ward got home at 6:45 I was feeling okay, but I had to tell him. He wasn’t okay. We had both convinced ourselves that everything was clear and we were going to “get back to normal”. I guess that’s just not in the plan for us right now. We don’t know what the next step is because my Dr. is in France right now. The doctor who reviewed the report with me did say I won’t be doing any more Biochemo—she said it’s just too aggressive and they won’t do that to me. So we’re going to wait and see.

I start to feel sad and then I watch the news. The tornadoes and flooding in the mid-west, and the earth quake in China have really affected me. I have so much to be grateful for. I get to be with my girls everyday. We’re safe Ward’s business is succeeding. We have each other and that’s all that really matters. The tumors are small, even though they aren’t responsive to the treatment who knows maybe there will be another option because of their size. We’re doing okay. Things will be okay—we just have to have more faith.

The girls are doing well. They are so cute. McCady loves to have a clean room—she works on it throughout the day and goes crazy when the other girls “mess it up”. MaLeah loves to sing and dance she makes up the cutest songs. Maiya has a mind of her own. She is really trying to potty train herself. I try to discourage this because it’s easier to just change her “diapie” as she calls it. But she’s determined. We have so much to be happy about.

June 9, 2008

2008-10-14T10:34:00.001-06:00

I wanted to write and say hello to everyone. Things have been a little rough here, but we’re doing okay and I hope we’re going to survive. Yesterday Maiya came down with a terrible flu. We kept her here over night and Ward was up all night with her. He banished me to the hospital bed and kept her with him. Her fever kept registering 105 on our ear thermometer (Which always reads low) She kept throwing up the medicine. It was a long night. This morning we sent her and MaLeah home with my mom so Ward could go to work and I could not catch it. The bad thing is I’d been kissing her and playing with her just yesterday morning. I’m a little worried.

Friday I had another blood transfusion. My cousin has these every time she has Chemo and I’m so sorry. They are my least favorite thing to do. However, this time we went to the ER and although we waited 7 hours before they started the blood they were able to rapid infuse it at it only took a couple of hours after that. They thought they were going to have to admit me to the hospital, but luckily I got to stay in my own bed. The ER doctor was a little panicked when he came back with my readings, I was apparently extremely low in all areas. I’m so glad we went to the ER because now I’m feeling a little better and I will be ready for my scan tomorrow. It’s hard to start an IV on me now because my veins are so brittle. They tried three times before they could do it on Friday. I’m not looking forward to that tomorrow.

I’ve been so weak—physically, mentally, spiritually. Sometimes I just feel so lousy I want to give up. I know I’ve finished the Biochemo, but the effects are really weighing on me. I have been so sick—I wonder if I’ll ever get well. I’m trapped here in this house if I’m not at the hospital and lots of times I just feel like this is too much. People think that because I only did 4 rounds of the Biochemo it isn’t as intense or as hard as other regimens. Our doctor told us last time we were there that they will only do 4 rounds because it’s the most aggressive type of treatment offered.

Although I feel so sick, I have so much to be grateful for. Ward is so good to me. It’s good that he has ups when I have downs. Yesterday he just held me and tried to help me feel better. He does everything. He takes care of the kids and cleans the house and does the laundry and then goes to work. I don’t know how he does it all.
Anne

May 2, 2008

2008-10-14T10:33:00.002-06:00

I wanted to send an update before we go back to Colorado. We fly back on Sunday, so I can meet with my Dr. on Monday morning. I’ve been waiting for my scan that marks the halfway mark of this Biochemo treatment. It was last Wednesday. We waited and waited for results, but with me having my scans in Utah and my Dr. in Colorado things have been a little bumpy going back and forth. Finally I talked to my Dr. on Sunday and his words were, “I think its working.” This wasn’t the solid, factual answer I wanted for my halfway mark. He was basing the results only on the radiology reports, so I sent him the scan that I had on disk. That way he could actually look at the scan with the report. We waited again. On Wednesday morning he called and said, “I think things are better.” Again this wasn’t the solid answer that I wanted. I asked him lots of questions, but he just kept saying, “Let’s wait until Monday when you come.” He did tell me that on the first scan the one of the masses they were measuring was 3.14 cm, and on this last scan I had done that mass was 13 by 14 mm. That sounded like a huge improvement to me, but he just wouldn’t say what I wanted him to say. I guess I wanted him to show some excitement and say “Wow look at this change—that’s great!” But he won’t say it. He even doubted the readings from the first scan. When I talked to Ward about that he said, “He’s just not seeing our miracle.” I believe this is true—even through all my tears and lack of faith I’m trying to know this is true. What ever the readings from the first scan, now the readings are very different and I’m hoping they are different on all the places that we have measurements, but I think his style (to cover himself in his profession--probably) is to let his patients see the scans side by side and make their own determination. That way he isn’t liable for giving false hope. It’s a little hard with us here—not seeing the results the way he wants us to.

I haven’t bounced back after the second round like I did the first. I finally started to feel pretty good yesterday and it’s been a three week recovery. Every time I even think about going back I get nauseated and don’t want to go. But I’m being strong and I’m going to go. We picked up my wig yesterday. When I showed McCady she said, “That’s really ugly Mommy—you need to take it back.” I agree with her. MaLeah has been telling everyone that her Mommy went to the hopspital and got some hair. Maiya just keeps patting me and saying, “My Mommy sick.”

I’ve had so much help this time. I thought I could do things on my own on Monday. It was my worst day by far—the whole day was an absolute failure. When Ward got home and I had three girls in the tub all screaming at the tops of their lungs—the house a disaster—everything out of control—he first told me to sit down and then he went to work after his eleven hour day and fixed everything. He called my Mom that night at 10:00 and asked her to come help me the next day. The rest of the week—until today I’ve had help. I’m so grateful for it.

I’m so grateful for the words of encouragement that my friends and family have been sending. I’m grateful for the answers to prayers I’ve had this week. Heavenly Father is strengthening me and Ward. I know now that while I have no control over my health, or how long I will have here (we’re hoping for a long time) I know that I have control over my relationships with my family and friends. So please know that I’ve thought about you this week. I’m so happy to know you and to count you among my loved ones. I hope you have a great week. Love Anne

April 2, 2008

2008-10-14T10:27:00.004-06:00

I’ve wanted to write an email before I “submerge” again. We have had a good week—sorely needed. I know you’ve heard from Ward and he told you about what the treatment does to my mind. Just so you can understand from my point of view I remember the first few hours in the hospital and then my next memories come not at the end of that week, but the end of the next week on Friday. It was a total of twelve days that I literally lost—including Easter which was pretty hard on me. Lots of people have said, “Oh what a blessing.” They are people who saw me when I was out of it and I must have been far gone. The lady who we have coming to clean our house didn’t expound on what I was really like, she just said on Tuesday when she came, “Oh, Anne it’s so nice to see you here again.” My sister Mary said that she talked to me three or more times that week and she cried after every conversation and wondered if I would really come back. On Saturday we went for a drive to see Ward’s parents. When they saw me they acted so surprised at how I was acting—it was a surprise for me because I didn’t know what I was like. I remember one thing from that week, I fell down the stairs with Maiya. It was pretty traumatic and I guess enough that I could remember. That’s all I remember—oh and on Thursday I broke a tooth and had to go into the dental office. I was crazy and made a point to introduce Ward’s little brother to his assistant. I’ve wanted to do this for months and I guess I was just in the right frame of mind to do it. I think they both thought I was crazy. I just hope the go out on a date.

Ward was the one who saw it the most. On Saturday night he just kept saying “You’re back!” Then like usual we stayed up way too late talking—he caught me up on the two weeks I’d missed. The next night was the same and we are pretty lacking in sleep. That night we made the decision that I need Ward there when I have my treatment. What he told me was too much for me . . . and way too much to allow my mom or his mom or anyone else give me care while I’m in the treatment again. So, we called our accountant (who I love with all my heart—she’s married to a dentist and she is my life line in dentistry and helping us through this crazy part of life too—I love you Cynthia!) She has arranged for some wonderful amazing dentists in the area to volunteer their time to help Ward’s office keep going for the weeks that he will be coming to Colorado with me again. When I told my brother this today he said, “That’s like me saying hey competition will you come in and make this sale for me?” That’s exactly what it’s like and I can’t believe the caliber of men that have volunteered to come and help us keep this practice going with no reward, other that blessings from Heaven. That’s what they are to us.

The girls are doing okay. If McCady doesn’t have enough time playing outside, she kind of loses it. I can understand it. I feel trapped too. I went outside for the first time in weeks today. It’s beautiful and I’m mourning Spring because I want to be out there so much—but I am highly supervised and I haven’t felt well enough to be out there. MaLeah is acting very mature. Yesterday she had the flu and was whisked away with Maiya to Ward’s parents house. They spent the night and she was so happy that she was the “oldest” and she got to sleep in Grandma’s special red bed (toddler bed). She came home and spent the entire day singing and running around playing. Maiya is the cutest two-year-old in the world. She always wanted to be kissing me and holding “mama” and “wah wah”. She talks pretty darn good for her age, but it’s around a “wah wah” (pacifier). It’s her comfort right now and I’m not going to ditch it until this is over or she just gets rid of it herself. While the other girls were gone I spent a lot of time with McCady. She needed it. She was thrilled to watch a movie all by herself with Mom and Dad. It was Alvin and the Chipmunks and I kind of wish that was part of my fog.

I know this email is bordering on novel, but you’re not going to hear from me for a while so, I have a few more things to say. I started to lose my hair today. I really was in denial. I didn’t think it would happen. They said it might not—they even told me about a kid in a fraternity whose whole fraternity shaved their heads and then he didn’t lose his hair. Well, my denial was pretty hard to get over. I haven’t brushed my hair all day. I can’t stand it. But I’ll be okay. I’ve been exhausted and actually able to sleep the last two days. Sleep for me has been utter pain for three months. I still have to take percocet to handle the pain when I lie down. But the last two days I’ve been able to sleep. I’m grateful for that. I can’t read at all. I’ve tried, but this is just something that has been very difficult for me. Ward reads scriptures to me at night and that is wonderful. I feel out of touch, but I am so very grateful for the cards and other wonderful ways that my friends and family have shown love to me. I am so eternally grateful for my mom and Gaye (Ward’s Mom). They’ve been here everyday. I call them my babysitters—but it’s lovingly. Ward’s sister has taken over supervising our hospital bills as they are way too much for either of us to handle right now. Our families have done so much for us. I am so grateful to be here by them. I am so thankful that Heavenly Father is mindful of me. Ward and I were talking the other day about how our trials have been tailor made for us. When I was having miscarriages at the first of my marriage I never doubted that I would have children because I’d been promised them in my patriarichal blessing. It was still hard, but it was the right thing for me to handle. When the kids came and we had no control over when they came we thought Wow this is a lot to handle, but we loved it. Now as I look at the past and I see that I have all these three miracles I feel so blessed. I can’t believe what God has given us. This trial too is what we are going to handle. I can’t imagine having to deal with what other people have been given. I’m just so grateful for all the help and the love and the peace. My friend gave me a quote that said “This is hard, but you can do hard things.” I believe that. We are going to do our best with this. We are going to do this hard thing and then we’ll move on. And we’ll be happy—and that’s all that matters. We have each other and we are happy—even when I’m in la la land. I want you to know if you’re getting this email directly or indirectly you are someone very special to me. I am grateful for you. Don’t write back to me. I’m going to submerge now. But I’ll be back in about 14 days. That sounds good doesn’t it? Love Anne

March 19, 2008

2008-10-14T10:25:00.004-06:00

I just wanted to update you all on Anne's condition. She is feeling terrible however she has not thrown up for 20 Hours (small accomplishment). She is still my lovely Anne from time to time and shows her caring self to reach within her for a brief smile when the Dr's come in and at new shift changes for staff. A smile with this treatment is quite an undertaking, but that is Anne.

Today she is sleeping more comfortable but still miserable when awake. I think that her condition will remain like this until Friday and even Saturday. I forget once in a while and think that she is going to get better over a few hours. She will wake up and try to converse with me but it is always futile and she winds up dozing or I loose her with my excitement to talk to her. It will be good to get through the awful treatment weeks and get her on her road to normal mental capacity.

Anne and I are each others best friends and many night in the past we will stay up late at night and talk for hours into the night about many varying topics. This has always been true bliss to have such a relationship with someone I love so dearly. We always paid for being up late at night together and never ran out of things to share, but it was always worth it. It will be good to do this again.

I love her, and I know that the Lord loves her perfectly and hates for her to go through this as much as I do. I am grateful for His thoughts and feelings, through the holy ghost, that come to us in our times of sorrow, grief, happiness, joy and need. How grateful I am for the whisperings of the spirit that come from He who fully understands, knows and loves perfectly. What a blessing that we have to know of the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ, his atonement and plan of happiness for our families. Thank you for all your unselfish love, thoughts, and prayers for our little family.

Ward

March 7, 2008

2008-10-14T10:23:00.002-06:00

Today we got our results back from the PET scan. We had been praying for a clear scan, but deep down I knew there was going to be something there. Dr. Gray was very direct, he barely greeted us when he entered the room, he just went over the report with us. So here are the logistics of it all, I have a few other tumors inside my right lung. One’s about the size of a walnut, the other two are small. I also have some lymph nodes in the subcarinal region (near the heart) that are affected. There is something within the thyroid that they are not sure is melanoma because Melanoma doesn’t usually exhibit itself in the thyroid. And finally some lymph nodes in the pelvic area.

We are very happy to learn that no other major organs have large tumors in them. And we are glad to know that they got so much out with the surgery that was done. I’ve been on the phone all day and we (Ward and I) are going to Colorado on Friday to meet with some doctors and make plans for treatment. I have been so grateful for all the people who have done so much for us. There have been so many people fasting and praying and sending cards and trying to help us. I am so grateful for that.

February 27, 2008

2008-10-14T10:21:00.001-06:00

I’ve been hesitant to write another email because I always say “We’re okay, and we feel a lot of peace.” I write that and then tell you something worse than the previous email. Well, we are calm. We feel peace, and we are fine. I actually feel so good that Ward has to tie me down because I want to go run in the running weather—he doesn’t really tie me down—I’m not that recovered from my surgery. But I really want to be out there running down the road like nothing’s wrong. We are learning new things everyday. But on Monday we found out that the tumor was really Melanoma. Why couldn’t the pathologists here in Utah tell us that? I don’t know for sure, but the final report was read by a big Melanoma guru—if you can call somebody that. My Dr. here in Utah was in awe that he was the one reading my results. Anyway, it’s a-typical, so it was different in some way. I wish it was different in a good way.

Because the Melanoma has spread to other organs in my body (besides the first location 6 ½ years ago) it is classed as Stage IV. There are only four stages of Melanoma, but we are encouraged because the MRI I had done didn’t register anything in my brain. I have a PET (or a full body scan) scheduled for next Wednesday. We have met with some
Oncologists and we are pretty sure that the treatment I will be receiving will be in Colorado. Not even the Huntsman center in Salt Lake has the treatment that I will be receiving. It is called Biochemotherapy. It’s relatively new, but there has been success with this treatment more than any other treatment. I’m still learning about it. Meanwhile Ward and I are just trying to wake up from this silly dream, but we wake up and it’s all still here.

I have a wonderful positive Pulmonologist who said he would remain my primary care physician, as I didn’t have one before. I have learned that while my insurance hasn’t been the best here in Utah it is a complete blessing that I have this particular plan because they will cover me for treatment in Colorado and my family’s lifetime maximum is 4 million dollars more than the plan we had with IHC (Our previous plan). I told Ward I’ve always wanted to go to Denver, so here we go.

While we wake up and still are in this thing we feel like is a dream, we still wake up and have our little girls and each other. Things happen so fast, and we always think they will happen to somebody else. We could lose each other so easily some other way. I’m grateful for where I am in my life, for the hope we have, and the peace that God is giving us. It is truly a gift. I’m grateful I get to still hold and play with my girls. I’m grateful for a husband who will cook and clean and kiss me every night. I’m grateful for friendships and the opportunity I have to tell you how much I love you. We Creagers are strong. We’re going to do everything in our power to make this into a good situation. Don’t worry about us, but please still pray.

February 22,2008

2008-10-14T10:19:00.005-06:00

I just wanted to send an update. I have been allowed a trip up and down the stairs, so I wanted to give a little information. I feel a bit loopy from the medication I’m taking, but still I want to have my family and friends know what’s going on. Thank you for all the prayers. You will never know how much we have needed them and how much we have felt them. Last week I ended up going in for my surgery on Saturday which worked out perfectly, so Ward and I could get some things in order.

Joseph Graham is one of the best Thoracic surgeons in the area and we were so grateful that he was the one doing the surgery. On Sunday he came to talk to me and he told me details of everything that happened. First he told me that the biopsy that they had done last week had not been successful because when they opened me up they found that the tumor was not inside the lung. So all the tissue they had biopsied was normal lung tissue. When they got in there the Dr. said it was more than he’d anticipated. The tumor was actually as big as a football. It had attached itself to the bottom part of my lung and the pericardial sack (which is the sack that is surrounding the heart). He said that things got a little intense when they removed the tumor because they found my heat had been so compressed that they were worried about it. He was able to get the tumor out intact and he was careful to remove the places where it was attached because he didn’t want anything to be left behind.

They sent the tumor to the pathologists and I began to recover. My hospital stay was less than desirable and I begged to go home on Tuesday. That meant on Monday I was to get the chest tubes removed and I had to get off the epidural and on to oral medication so I could go home. It was a terrible day. Finally Tuesday I came home and my kids were still at my Mom’s. It was probably too soon for me to come home, but I didn’t care I WAS HOME! It was the best feeling to be able to sleep and just have Ward there taking care of me.

On Wednesday they called and said that the Pathologists were very concerned. They have no idea what the tumor is. They said they can guess. It could be a-melanotic melanoma or spindle cell sarcoma. Neither of these things means anything to me. They are sure it isn’t typical melanoma. They have sent the biopsy to the Mayo Clinic ( I’m not sure which one—just the one that deals most with pathology).

So we are doing pretty well for the week we’ve had. I am recovering and we have lots of help while Ward is trying to go to work. I’m trying to stand up straight, but the incision they gave me is 10 inches long and kills. It’s hard, I’m not lying, but we have faith that things will be okay. Neither of us are scared or worried. We know that things will be okay, and that Heavenly Father’s in charge.

Please keep praying for us. I probably won’t reply to emails as it’s taken me most of today to write this and send it to you. Please don’t call still because my kids are really feeling the affects of everything. We are grateful for you all. Love Anne

February 7, 2008

2008-10-14T10:14:00.003-06:00

Two Saturdays ago Ward and I went skiing. We’d wanted to go for a long time, and it was so much fun. After we got home I was so sore. I just thought I was really out of shape, because I was hurting so bad. By Monday my soreness was gone, but I was having major pain when I slept. It felt like I was just being cut from the inside when I would breathe. I thought it was gas and I took Gas-x and Kid Pepto Bismol (because that’s all we had) but I kept having this pain.

This Monday night was terrible. Ward and McCady had been sick all night and while I was up with them I felt like I was going to die, because of the ripping pain. It was weird though because if I moved around and if I could get through the pain enough to move something inside me around. suddenly I felt better and I could breathe again. Tuesday morning I went with McCady to NowCare to have her ears checked. While I was there I decided to ask about my chest. The nurse practitioner—her name is Shiloh said it was probably just acid reflux (Not that I’ve ever had a history of that), but maybe she would do a chest x-ray because maybe I’d cracked a rib skiing. I had McCady and MaLeah with me as Ward was home sick and Maiya stayed with him. So I went in to have my first x-ray and the rad-tech came out saying, “Are you a smoker?” I told him I wasn’t and thought, what a weird question. He persisted, “Did you used to smoke?” I told him no and he said he needed to do some more x-rays. He kept heh-hehming and coughing. And making disapproving noises and I was getting worried. I said, “I know you can’t tell me anything, but is there something bad?” He told me he must speak with the practitioner immediately. He came back and did two more x-rays, then led me back to my exam room and everybody that was working in the clinic stared at me really weird.

The nurse practitioner came back into the room x-rays in hand and said, “I have no idea what I’m seeing here. There is this huge mass in your lung. . . I’ve had Dr. So and So review these films too, he doesn’t know what it is either and you need to get to the hospital right now. I’ve got you scheduled for a CT scan.” I called Ward, but couldn’t get through because he was on the phone with Gaye. I called Gaye (she has call waiting) and said I have to talk to Ward right now. He called me back and I pretty much lost it. He got Gaye to come down, but she had to come down through the canyon so it took forever.

Ward looked at the x-rays they sent with us. He was very concerned, but didn’t know anything. Finally Gaye got to our house and we went to the hospital. We had to wait forever it seemed to have the scan, and this Rad-tech didn’t say a word to me, he just must have more experience with this kind of thing. They held us there until the Radiologist read the scan. He couldn’t talk to us because he isn’t my Dr. so he gave the report to Shiloh, the nurse practitioner. Again everybody in the office stared at me, with pity looks. I knew nothing. They handed me a phone so I could talk to Shiloh. She asked if I was alone and was relieved that Ward was there with me. She said, “It’s not good. I’m making an appointment with a pulmonologist for you right now. We’ll try to get you in by the end of the day.” Well, she called me later and said they couldn’t get me in until Wednesday. I had no information, nothing to go on. I called her back and asked her to please prescribe some antibiotics for Ward. He was so sick and I needed him to help me. She did and I am so grateful.

I talked to Jeremy Booth and he gave me some advice and some recommendations, then I called Randy Vanderpool, he’s a respiratory therapist who works with these guys all the time. They both recommended that I not go see Dr. Anderson, but that was who Shiloh had made the appointment for. I was very nervous, but his office said I couldn’t change my appointment to the other pulmonologist unless I waited two weeks. Our insurance is crap and the nearest pulmonologist even covered by our insurance is at University Hospital and I didn’t feel like I could leave my kids and go down there, just choosing some name out of a preferred provider list. So finally Ward and I decided to keep the appointment and go out of network with Dr. Anderson and stay local. How grateful I am for that! I called Mom and told her, but told her not to tell anybody else. She said she and Dad would come to the appointment with me the next day, because Ward needed to go to work.

Wednesday Ward was planning to go to work. He got up and got dressed, but then when I went in to the kitchen to help him get lunch he literally collapsed to the ground. We called Lani to help us cancel the day and I helped him back to bed. I called Verl and asked him to come give Ward a blessing. I was so distraught at Ward being sick and it snowed another four inches. Ward was asleep, I didn’t want him to know what I was doing, but I went and borrowed Joyce’s snowblower and snowblowed our driveways. Verl got there and scolded me for snowblowing, but he gave Ward a much needed blessing. Jodi called me and told me that she loves Dr. Anderson. She’s been working with him extensively lately and Jeremy just didn’t know him, so not to worry about seeing him.
By 10:30 Ward was feeling so much better and he insisted that he come to the appointment with me. I told him that I’d called Ogden Regional three times and they couldn’t find my x-rays and I was going to have to go without any films. I’m so grateful he was feeling better. He put on his doctor voice—called the radiology department and they found the films within five minutes. We raced to Ogden Regional and got the films. The lady there said that the Radiologist hadn’t completed the report, but she didn’t care if it was illegal she was sending an unofficial report because it was too important. We raced back to McKay Dee Hospital. I read the report on the way back. It said that the thing in my lung was 7cm by 9 cm and that there was more than one, but the lymph nodes didn’t look enlarged. Mom and Dad met us at the hospital and took the girls. We waited for an entire hour to see the Dr., the front office lady even came out and tried to reassure me that I would like Dr. Anderson and everything would be fine.

We got into his office and I have never been so impressed with a doctor, seriously. He was professional and personable and smart. He’s blunt, but that’s what I want. He spent and hour with me getting history and doing tests. He pulled up every report he could get on me, every chest x-ray I’ve had in the past three years (which was only one and I feel really stupid about that. I’m supposed to have them every 6 months) then he said to Ward, “I want to talk to you alone.” Later Ward told me he just wondered how frank he could be with me. I’m sure he thought I’d lose it. He came back in the room and told me, “Of all the people I’ve seen in the last year, you are the one I am most excited to treat, and to help. I am going to take care of you.” We then discussed treatment because he thought it was my melanoma at that time. He sent me back to Ogden Regional and they got me all ready to do a bronchiotomy. Randy was there and the RN was Holly who lived by us in South Ogden. I felt so comforted that I knew these people and after being numbed down my throat we waited another hour for Dr. Anderson to show up. It was quite the party in there, lots of talking and making connections and trying not to talk about the big thing in my chest. Finally he got there and they invited two student nurses, three rad techs, two respiratory therapists, Ward and the Doctor into the room. It was a ton of people. Ward asked if he’d reviewed the CT scan. He hadn’t so he went in and took Ward with him. When he returned he was acting strange. Before they put me out they asked if the student nurses could come in. Dr. Anderson looked like he was going to cry, he said, “Anne Creager! Anne Creager is a teacher. She doesn’t care if there are students here!” Then quietly he leaned down and said, “You are going to be just fine.”

I was out of it for the next few hours and when I came to they were wheeling me in to have an MRI on my head because of my migraines. The hospital was basically empty by then it was seven-o’clock and I’ve never been so happy to get out of somewhere. Mom kept the girls and we went home. We had so much discussion about so many important things. We are so grateful that Heavenly Father had pretty much sent Ward to the floor that morning because otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to be there with me through all of this day. We talked about our kids and about the future and then Ward said I couldn’t talk anymore because the doctor said I wasn’t supposed to after having that thing down my throat. He just wanted me to quit talking about what to do with my retirement money and who I wanted to speak and sing at my funeral.

I’m so grateful for what I have. There have been a lot of tears over this last couple of days. Everything is unknown--still. But I do know that Heavenly Father’s in charge and the things that seemed so important last week don’t even matter now. I am so grateful to know that even if I don’t get to be here as long as I want, I know that I get to have Ward and my girls forever. I’m so grateful to know that. I don’t know how I would live in this world if I didn’t have that knowledge.